


Goodnight

by livyjh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: DCBB, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Fluff, F/M, M/M, cas/dean, dean/cas - Freeform, destiel friends, destiel smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 19:37:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10225580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livyjh/pseuds/livyjh
Summary: Growing up wasn't easy for Castiel Novak and his best friend Dean Winchester. Set a few years back, this story encompasses a world in which the two had known each other since before kindergarten. This isn't like any destiel fanfiction you've ever read before. Dean isn't constantly in denial about his sexuality, and Cas is neither a crazy dom nor a complete twink, in any relationship. Through their struggles, Dean and Castiel find that they are each other's rocks. Dean grows up with a mental illness and his best friend is there for him. The men find more than friendship after Castiel has a bad date and decides to get drunk while Dean is over. One thing leads to another and these best friends find love and happiness in a peculiar place.Warnings/triggers: self harm, suicide attempt, cussing, smut, kinky stuff, awkwardness, mention of gore, anxiety, depression, feels, fluff.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am very proud of this work. I worked hard on it for over 3-4 months and it's important to me. I am proud because I did all of my research and more. Years, places, and atmosphere are correct to their time and I love that. I wanted this to be different, I wanted it to be accurate. Thank you so much for reading, it means the world.

Lawrence, Kansas. August 18th, 1984.

School was due to start in a couple weeks and Castiel Novak was very excited to start kindergarten in this new town.

He was drawing with chalk in the driveway, blonde bangs hanging down in his face while his father and two older brothers carried boxes from the moving van into the house, his baby sister still in her car seat with the windows down.

He saw some more kids up and down the street, but the house across from theirs had this large tree that interested Castiel, and he wanted to look at it.

He stood up and walked to his dad, pulling on his pant leg. "Daddy. Daddy!"

"Yes, Castiel?" His father looked down at him, a few things in his hands.

"I'm gonna go over there. I like the tree." He smiled and started walking.

"Gabriel, go with your little brother." The man with curly hair looked to one of his other sons, making sure he'd be safe crossing the road.

The seven year old blonde followed Castiel to the other side of the street. The grass of this yard was rather long, not terrible, but it needed to be cut.

A blonde woman sat in a rocking chair on the porch, holding a baby with curly brown hair as a blonde boy with a bowl cut like Castiel's sprinted from the open garage with toy cars in his hands.

"Hi, miss! Can we look at your tree?" Gabriel grinned to the woman by the door, yelling from the edge of their yard.

Their father heard them, rolling his eyes. He set down the lamp he was carrying and jogged across the street to his children, walking into the yard.

"I apologize. My kids aren't the best with manners. I'm Chuck, we're just moving in across the street." He smiled and reached over the porch railing to shake the woman's hand.

"I'm Mary. And it's not a problem. Dean here has been looking for some new friends anyways." The blonde woman laughed softly, motioning to the little boy making engine sounds and running around the overgrown lawn.

"Well, he looks about Castiel's age. That's him over there, and that's Gabriel." He motioned to them accordingly, noticing the younger child already at the base of the tree, little fingers picking at the bark. "Castiel! Don't do that!" Chuck called, sighing.

Mary laughed again, "Really, it's fine!" She smiled as a tall man came from inside the house. "Who do we have here?" He grinned warmly, meeting Chuck's eyes.

Mary stood up, "This is Chuck and his two children. Castiel over there likes our tree." She turned, "Chuck, this is my wonderful husband, John. I've already mentioned Dean," she smiled at the baby in her arms, "and this is little Samuel."

Chuck nodded, "It's very nice to meet you all. I've got my six month daughter, Anna, in the car. And my son, Michael, he's eleven and still unloading boxes." He pointed back to the house, the brunette walking between the moving van and the garage.

Gabriel wandered his way up to the porch to stand with his father as they all got acquainted.

Dean was practically galloping now, running full speed before tripping and falling by the tree. "I'm okay!" He shouted, getting up as Castiel looked at the boy.

"You play rough." He giggled as he looked at the other kid's dirt covered shirt.

"It's funner." Dean nodded, "I'm Dean. What's your name?"

"Castiel." The boy perked up.

"I'ma call you Cas. Your name is too long."

"It's Castiel. It's not that hard to-"

"Casssssssss." Dean groaned a little.

"Fine. But... I'm gonna call you Dean."

"That's my name." Dean grinned.

"I know." Castiel laughed and tapped Dean's shoulder. "You're it!" He started running across the yard, doubling back around to the tree when he saw Dean running after him.

Dean had dropped his cars by the large tree, chasing after the other boy before tapping his shoulder and then running away again.

This went back and forth for almost ten minutes while the rest of the group stayed at the porch. Castiel finally grew tired enough that he needed a little break. "Freeze!" He yelled to Dean, breathing heavily.

Dean paused in his place, sitting down where he stood. "Hey, Cas?"

"Yeah?" He tilted his head.

"You wanna be friends?" Dean rested his elbows on his knees.

"Mhm!" He nodded and grabbed the cars that were left in the dirt by the tree, bringing them over and sitting with Dean.

They played in the yard for a couple hours after Chuck and Gabriel went back to the house to finish unpacking the truck.

Castiel was called home for dinner and he ran back across the street, staying home for the night.

********

  
Lawrence, Kansas. October 27th, 1986.

"Dean!!! I was gonna be Batman for Halloween!" Castiel shouted, his face angry and his hands balled into fists.

"But I already bought my costume. You didn't." Dean folded his arms, looking at the other boy.

"They were all out at our store. My dad was gonna take me somewhere else tomorrow. I don't wanna be a stupid police man." He rolled his eyes. "You're my best friend. Stealing costumes isn't what best friends do, Dean."

"I didn't steal it. How about we both be Batman? Like, best friend Batmans." Dean suggested. He wanted to be the only batman, for sure, but he knew that's probably not how it's going to work out.

"I don't know." Castiel huffed.

"Do you want to be Robin?"

"No. I want to be Batman."

Dean sighed, "Please?"

Castiel shifted his weight from his right leg to the left. "Fine. But next year I get to be Batman by myself, okay?"

"Okay." Dean nodded.

 

Castiel ended up going as Ferris Bueller in Halloween of 1987. Dean was Cameron.

***********

Anaheim, California. July 10th, 1989.

"Happy birthday, Cas." Dean smiled brightly, giving the other boy a bag with tissue paper and a card.

Castiel took the bag happily, opening the card and reading it. There wasn't much, just saying happy tenth birthday to him, from his best friend, Dean.

"Thanks, Dean." He grinned, pulling at the tissue paper as Chuck took pictures, Gabriel eating candy rather loudly.

"Woah! Oh my gosh!" Castiel pulled out the newest edition of the View Master with multiple viewing slide packs.

He put the goggle like plastic device to his eyes, opening up a dinosaur pack and pushing it into the side. He clicked the little lever multiple times, a big smile on his face before he put it back in the bag, hugging Dean quickly. "Thank you so much."

Dean nodded. "Well, thanks for bringing me to Disneyland for your birthday." He laughed a little and looked at Chuck. "Thanks again, sir."

Chuck gave Dean a reassuring look. "Of course, Dean. Castiel nearly refused to go without you."

Castiel rolled his eyes. "Okay, dad. Whatever." He laughed and put everything back in the bags, watching the dressed up characters walk around, everyone looking so happy. "Thanks, guys." He smiled.

The group nodded and Chuck started gathering presents and putting them in the back of the stroller, Anna sitting in it with a big smile and ice cream residue still on her face from earlier.

"Alright losers, let's get going to the rides!" Michael smiled, checking out a couple girls that walked by. "On second thought..."

Gabriel smacked Michael on the back of the head. "You're a girl crazed idiot." He laughed and Chuck gave him a stern look.

Castiel turned to Dean, "this is one of the best birthdays I've ever had."

Dean smiled wide. "Good. Now... How about those rides?"

Castiel nodded and grabbed Dean's arm, running off and hearing his father yell something about meeting back there in a couple hours.

Castiel led Dean past ice cream stands and wonderful smelling foods, all the way to the biggest roller coaster there. "This is gonna be so much fun."

Dean nodded, almost out of breath. "It'll be awesome. But look how long the line is." He sighed, the sign at their place in line saying it was a one hour wait.

"Don't worry. Lots of people chicken out so the line moves faster than you think." Castiel stated confidently.

Dean laughed and Castiel was right, about thirty minutes later they were getting on the ride.

Castiel was grinning ear to ear, heart racing as he turned to Dean. "Oh my gosh. Dean, this is- this is happening."

Dean was wide eyed, looking to Castiel nervously and shaking. "I- I don't know if I can do this, Cas..." He gulped audibly.

The excited boy held his best friend's shoulder, "Dean, you can do this. It'll be really fun."

The attendants were walking up and down, checking to make sure everyone was strapped in.

Dean closed his eyes tightly. "I think I need to get off."

"Are you sure?" Castiel reached down to hold Dean's hand. "Here. You can squeeze as tight as you want and scream as much as you want and I won't tell anyone."

Dean opened one eye, taking a deep breath as the operator gave an all clear and they could hear and the breath and hiss of the engines. "Okay... I'm trusting you."

"You'll be fine!" Castiel smiled brightly and faced ahead, squeezing Dean's hand a little. "This is gonna be awesome!" He yelled as the car started moving along the tracks, the telltale clicks of ascension being heard.

Dean was breathing shallow, quick breaths, his body tense and he squeezed Castiel's hand as they neared the top of the first hill. "It's okay, it's okay- it's okAYYYY!!!!" Dean shouted as the car tipped and started flying down the rails. He screamed loudly, gripping his friend's hand so hard he was afraid he'd break it.

Dean was fairly sure he blacked out through more than half of it but Castiel told him otherwise. "No! Dean, you were laughing and screaming like the whole time! It was great!"

Dean was blushing in embarrassment at that. "Oh man, I was such a girl." He chuckled.

"It's fine, dude." Castiel smiled at him. "You did good. And I think my hand will only be bruised for a week." He held his right hand up, feigning pain as he moved his fingers slowly.

Dean pushed him playfully, thinking. "So, what should we ride next?"

Castiel shrugged. "Dunno. I'm kinda hungry. My dad gave me some money for food."

The other boy sighed happily, "Sounds great. I need a good hamburger."

***TWO HOURS LATER***

"Daddy, pleeeeeease?" Anna whined.

Chuck sighed, "Sweetie, you're a big girl and we have a lot of stuff. Can't you walk? I'll hold your hand."

"I wanna get in the stroller." The red head folded her arms, looking grumpily up at her father.

Chuck closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Dean and Castiel saw them from across the way, running over. "Dad!" Castiel shouted, smiling.

"Hi, Castiel. Did you two have fun?" Chuck asked, raising an eyebrow while Anna whined in the background.

The two boys nodded. "We got some great food too." Dean grinned.

Chuck smiled at that, glad they were having a good time. "Good. Two less people I need to feed. Castiel, have you seen your brothers?"

He shrugged. "No. I saw Michael talking to some girls by the pirate ship awhile ago... and I haven't seen Gabriel. But my guess is he's somewhere eating cotton candy."

Chuck sighed, laughing a little. "He's gonna rot his teeth out before we get home... Let's go find 'em."

It took about 40 minutes, but Chuck managed to round up all five kids he'd brought with him to this park of insanity. He felt accomplished, driving their van back to the hotel with a smile.

"Slug bug!" Castiel laughed, punching Dean's arm as hard as he could manage.

"Didn't feel a thing." Dean looked smug.

"Yeah, right. I hit you so hard." Castiel shook his head. "Another one!" He smirked and hit Dean in the leg that time.

"Ow! Dude!" Dean hissed at the pain but found himself chuckling nonetheless.

"Didn't feel a thing, my butt."

Gabriel started in; "No one wants to feel your butt, little brother."

Castiel rolled his eyes, settling into his seat next to Dean.

Dean looked over at him, "I'm really glad you made me stay on the roller coaster."

He nodded, glancing at his best friend. "Me too."


	2. Chapter 2

Lawrence, Kansas. November 14th, 1994.

"I like it I'm not gonna crack, I miss you I'm not gonna crack, I love you I'm not-" Dean's singing was cut off by his mother turning off the radio in the car.

"Dean, that music isn't appropriate. The members of that band are bad examples." Mary explained.

"Mom, it's fine. I just like how Nirvana sounds." He shrugged, adjusting his Pink Floyd shirt around his torso, his dark green jacket over it.

"The last thing a teenage boy needs is something with more angst."

Dean laughed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, okay, mom."

They pulled up to the school and Castiel was waiting for Dean by the bike rack. As usual.

And Castiel was holding his girlfriend's hand. As usual.

"See you later."

Mary smiled, "Alright. Have a good day, sweetie."

Dean climbed out of the car, waving to Castiel as he walked towards him. "Hey, Cas. Hannah."

Hannah smiled at him and Castiel did the same. "Hey. How was your weekend?"

"Fine. Yours?" Dean raised an eyebrow as the three began walking into the school together.

"It was alright. My dad spent two days trying to invite family for Thanksgiving... Not much luck, without screaming, anyways." He shrugged.

Hannah butt in, "Oh, honey, that reminds me. How about you come over for Thanksgiving?"

Dean had to hold himself back from rolling his eyes, _who calls their boyfriend 'honey' when they're 14 and 15?_

Castiel hesitated, "Well, actually, I was planning on being home. We are having family over and as I said, it took my dad a lot of work to make that happen... Plus, we invited Dean's family and I wouldn't want to leave him in the dust."

Dean stayed silent, smiling on the inside at that. It's not that he hated Hannah or anything. It's just... He hated that she took so much of Castiel's time. Ever since they started dating it's like he and Cas only hung out once a week, and they lived a ten second walk from each other for god sakes.

"Oh." Hannah frowned a little. "Well... I- okay, Castiel." She paused, letting go of his hand. "I have to get to class." She leaned away when Castiel went to kiss her cheek and that made him nearly cringe. She walked off and Dean gave Castiel a dumbfounded look.

"Dude."

Castiel sighed with an unbelieving laugh. "Yeah."

"Why are you dating her? She's been like that since you met over the summer." Dean asked carefully. He knew Castiel was sensitive about it.

"I don't... I mean, I really like her. Plus, I got to second base last week... Don't wanna let that go..." He smirked a little.

"Ah man. Okay. Well that sounds nice and all, but not if she's gonna be like that..."

"Dean." Castiel sighed.

"Sorry. I'll back off." Dean frowned, closing his mouth and walking with Castiel to their first period class.

They sat down together and Castiel ran his fingers through his shaggy, blondish brown hair. "Dean, I didn't mean to snap at you. It's just that I have been meaning to talk to her about it. But that's how girls are sometimes, you know?"

Dean looked at the other boy. "I know. I just want you to be in a good relationship." He shrugged.

"I appreciate that." Castiel smiled and sat back in his chair as class started.

Dean went through the day alright and it was final period, science. He really didn't know anyone in class, of course he'd made acquaintances over the past couple months, and there was one certain boy he rather wanted to talk to more.

He had bright eyes and a beautiful smile. Cute, short hair, a stout body type. He wasn't overweight, nor too muscular or skinny. He was just... Sturdy.

His name is Cole.

The only problem was; he currently did _not_ like Dean. At all.

There had been a misunderstanding. Cole's dad left he and his mom a couple weeks ago and the boy was out for four days because his mom was even more of a wreck than he was.

Some kids were talking bad about the whole situation when Cole got back and Dean heard them. He walked over to the group, the boys talking about the brunette's dad being a monster.

Dean mimicked them in a whiny voice and was then going to tell them they were wrong, "Ah! Cole's dad is a monster. Oh my god, guys. You-"

But Dean was cut off by an angry Cole shoving his shoulder. "Hey! Don't talk about him like that." He frowned and snapped at Dean.

"No, Cole, I wasn't-"

"Shut up, Winchester. You're- God, you're messed up." Cole then shook his head and walked off.

He gave Dean angry eyes the next few days but eventually just ignored the issue and stopped looking at Dean altogether.

Dean was now in science behind him, totally distracted with Cole's new haircut. It wasn't anything special... Just shorter. He liked it.

He shifted in his seat, leaning forward and he could nearly smell the other boy. God, he felt like some preteen girl crushing on one of the Backstreet Boys.

Although he was kind of doing that too...

He sighed softly, looking back up at the teacher and trying to figure out what he was saying about gravity and the laws of physics.

Once class was finally over he packed up his things and tapped on Cole's shoulder, nearly gasping when the bright eyes met his. "Hey... I just wanted to straighten things out from the other day..."

Cole raised a brow, "I'm listening."

"I didn't mean to offend you. I think that- I mean I was mocking them for being stupid. They shouldn't have said those things. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding." Dean sighed, teeth worrying his bottom lip.

Cole swallowed, looking over Dean's face. "Oh..."

"I was just trying to defend you, 'cause-"

"No, no. I understand... Um, I guess I owe you a thanks, then." Cole felt his stomach churn a little, embarrassed.

"No thanks needed." Dean smiled a little, noticing the class filing out and sort of guiding the conversation out the door.

"Sorry for pushin' ya," Cole sighed, "it's just frustrating."

"I know... How's- how're you and your mom?" The blonde asked shyly.

"We're okay. I don't really want to talk much about it." Cole frowned and Dean nodded.

"That's alright. I gotta go meet my friend so I'll see you tomorrow." Dean offered a small wave, backing away a little.

"See you, Winchester." Cole smiled slightly and walked off.

Dean couldn't help the grin that was stretching over his features after he walked away to go find Castiel at their usual meet up spot.

He did his best not to skip his way to the little community garden outside the school, constantly having to remind himself not to smile like an idiot. The blonde saw a messy head of hair behind some pink flowers and he grinned. "Cas!" He called, walking over.

Castiel stood up straight and smiled at Dean, "Hey. How were your classes?" He began walking towards the exit of the fenced area, giving Dean little looks from the sides of his eyes. The Winchester shrugged, blushing slightly. "Fine... I um, I wanna tell you something though." He bit his lip and Castiel nodded, looking at him a bit more seriously. "What's up?"

"Well... I kinda have a crush on someone." Dean raised an eyebrow and Castiel made a suggestive face. "Who's the lucky gal?" He laughed a bit.

"Well that's the thing... Um, I haven't told you but I uh-" Dean trusted Castiel and he knew his best friend wouldn't hate him for anything, but he was still nervous. "I have a crush on a boy." He said quieter, seeing a few people walking on the sidewalk across the street.

Castiel stopped walking, not abruptly but just stopped. He gently touched Dean's wrist and smiled at him. "Really?" He raised an eyebrow. "So, does... Does that mean, like, are you gay?"

Dean shushed him a little, "No, I mean, well, I don't know. I still like girls too. I think." He shrugged and Castiel nodded with an expression of understanding. "Oh... Okay. Well, I think that's cool, Dean. Thanks for telling me." He smiled and slung an arm around the other boy's shoulders. "So, who's the lucky guy?"

*************  
January 21st, 1995. Lawrence, Kansas.

It had been a few months and Dean still hadn't mustered up the courage to ask Cole on a real date. Although he didn't even know if the other was into that kind of thing. Dating, probably. Males, unsure.

It was Saturday morning and Castiel was decorating his basement for Dean's big 'sweet 16' as he liked to call it, regardless of how many times Dean told Castiel to just call it his birthday.

Dean's best friend and ten year neighbor had planned everything. His dad was going out on a date that night, Gabriel was going to 'supervise' the party, and Michael was going out with some friends. Castiel had invited about fifteen or twenty kids from school that they knew, one of them being Cole. Dean didn't know this but Castiel had basically "rigged" the party to have Cole fall head over heels for Dean. He had everything too; balloons, cake, streamers, soda, chips, and all the music anyone could ever want.

  
"My birthday is still two days away." Dean complained.

"Shut up, we're having this party. I promise it will be the best." Castiel smiled, putting an arm around Dean's neck playfully, walking his best friend out of his house and to his own.

Once inside Castiel's house, Gabriel changed the cranked volume of the stereo down so he could actually offer hello and be heard. Dean waved with an awkward smile and then his best friend pulled him downstairs.

Castiel folded his arms, watching Dean's face. "So, what do you think?" He raised a brow.

Dean's lit up expression said it all but he felt he needed to aid that. "You are seriously the best friend ever."

"And don't you forget it." The boy with the shaggy hair smiled, pushing his bangs out of his face.

The blonde laughed and gave Castiel a side hug, "Really. Thank you. Especially since the whole Hannah thing just happened..." Dean blushed. 'The Hannah Thing' had been this rather historical event, Dean figured. He finally got the courage to tell his best friend that Hannah had been taking up so much of his time and that he missed him. Castiel needed courage to tell Hannah too, after he'd fully realized that that was true. She had a fit in the lunchroom and... Castiel was washing random food out of his hair for over two hours that day. Needless to say, they broke up.

"No, no. It's been a week and you were right. She treated me pretty crappy." Castiel frowned a little but shrugged it off and his face turned up with a smile. "So, two hours till party time. Let's plan some games."


	3. Chapter 3

The wonderful hum of music and voices filled his ears as Dean walked downstairs back into the party after a short trip to the bathroom.

His dark jeans hugged his hips and Castiel told him so, actually prompting his friend to wear them since a certain someone would be at the party.

That certain someone being Cole.

Dean smiled as he looked around the room at familiar faces. Charlie gave him a high five, Jo offered a shy smile, and Benny nodded from across the room.

Castiel turned to Dean, putting a hand on his back, "so, remember, be cool when it comes to seven minutes in heaven, okay? I got this. All the names are in one bowl. Birthday boy goes first and I may have put a few extra 'Coles' in there." He whispered with a little grin.

"Dude." Dean laughed as a rosy color graced his features. "Won't people think that's weird?" He looked around the room inconspicuously.

"No. No. It'll be fun. All the names are in one bowl. Who knows, I might get a guy too. No one has to do anything they don't want to." The brunette nodded, running fingers through his hair before mussing up Dean's.

The blonde chuckled and nudged his best friend with his elbow, noticing Cole turning around from the stereo he'd just changed the song on. Cole waved and Dean couldn't help the big, goofy smile that crossed his face then. He waved back and then made a quiet noise only Castiel could have heard.

Castiel laughed and patted Dean's shoulder. "Alright, lover boy. Grab some pizza and punch. And just _relax_."

The blonde took a deep breath as he nodded and went over to grab a little food. His stomach was so full of butterflies he could only manage a couple bites before he set the plate down and forgot about it.

He went around the room, mixing, mingling. Stuff people do at birthdays and parties. He had a nice conversation with Aaron, an awkward kid the same age but not quite at his growth spurt yet. He liked science and history things, he always seemed to interest Dean with what he said.

Jo was so _obviously_ crushing on him that it nearly hurt Dean's heart because he didn't feel the same way. Someday, he thought. Someday he might. Regardless, Jo was wonderful and he knew she'd find the perfect person to be with someday.

Dean started making his way towards Cole and dammit, that's when Castiel made all eyes on him. Dean didn't mind, except for the fact that he was depraved of the opportunity to talk to the guy he'd liked for months now.

"Hey everyone! Who's ready for some games?" Castiel raised his voice to the room, standing on the coffee table in the middle of it. About all fifteen or sixteen of the people there made little wooing sounds and Castiel nodded. "How about we start with some birthday spankings?" He winked at Dean and the boy went wide eyed, blushing deeply as he tried to laugh that comment off. "No, no, just kidding." Castiel laughed and addressed the rest of the room again. "How does seven minutes in heaven sound?" The room was a little quieter at that, small hums throughout.

Gabriel cut in, "You're all a bunch of horny teenagers. That sounds decent huh?" Everyone laughed and a couple shrugged and nodded.

"Let's do it!" Castiel smiled and hopped down from the table, grabbing the plastic bowl from the little bar like structure in the back of the room. "Alright, birthday boy first."

Dean smiled a bit, rubbing at the back of his neck and doing his best not to make eye contact with anyone. He succeeded at that by staring at the floor until Castiel opened his mouth again. "Ooh, first person is... Cole!" He was glad he'd actually pulled the name, although if he hadn't, he would've just said it anyways.

Dean looked over nervously, stomach doing a backflip as everyone made "ooohs" and "ahhhs". He made eye contact with the boy and noticed the pink in his cheeks, and he couldn't decide whether that gave him more hope or fear.

"Alright." Cole let out a small laugh and nodded.

Castiel smiled wide and opened the closet next to him, somewhere his parents kept old tablecloths and board games.

"Seriously?" Dean asked Cole quietly as they both walked towards the closet and a couple girls giggled.

Cole shrugged, "yeah. I mean, we don't have to do anything. No one will know." And then Dean's heart sank. Okay. If that's where things stood, he guessed he'd have to get over it.

"Right. Yeah." He swallowed thickly as they stepped into the dimly lit closet and Castiel closed the door.

Cole looked up and saw how Dean was holding himself, "Gee, you almost look sad, Winchester. Hate being stuck in a closet with me that much?" He laughed quietly.

Dean looked up, expression blank before he returned the nervous sound. "What? No. No, I- I um, I mean you were saying we didn't have to do anything. You're my friend. Why- why would I hate you?"

"Then why else would you look so upset?" Cole raised a brow, small grin on his face.

"It's stupid." Dean immediately said, shaking his head and looking down sheepishly.

"Aw, c'mon." The short haired boy stepped closer and Dean was acutely aware of how little the closet already was and how much closer the other boy had just gotten. He looked up, hearing his own heart beat in his ears.

Cole spoke again. "Why're you like that?"

"Like what?"

"Something's wrong. I might not have known you for very long, less than a year, but... I know when someone's got something on their mind." He moved a little closer, smile fading as he was unsure.

Dean looked up and oh _god_ , Cole's lips were _right there_.

This is something Dean had dreamed about and he felt stupid for it. Did Cole know that Dean liked him? Is that was he was doing this? Was he trying to tease?

He figured, like Cole had said, no one had to know what happened in there. And he didn't know what he feared most, rejection or judgement.

"Because-" he took a breath, a glance risked at the other boy's mouth before he made eye contact once more. "Because maybe I _wanted_ to do something." There it was. Dean said it. Five minutes and counting. What now? What if Cole got freaked out? What if-

Cole's hand went to rest on Dean's waist and he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in because Jesus Christ, Cole was touching him. Touching him gently and sweetly and Dean's heart was in his throat.

"Like what?" Cole breathed, moving to press his body ever so softly against Dean's.

"Like..." Dean let out a shaky breath, tilting his head and slowly leaning in.

Finally, after what felt like years, their lips met and it was so much better than Dean could have ever imagined.

Cole's other hand went to cradle Dean's neck and the blonde stood there for a moment, clueless. He got a hold of himself, arms moving around Cole's waist and shoulder, desperately pulling him closer.

The sandy haired boy broke the kiss before inhaling and going back for another. He pressed a little deeper this time, following Dean's movements and pulling their bodies flush.

Four minutes and counting.

Dean let out a sound into the other boy's mouth, pushing his body forward into Cole's. If this were to never happen again, he wanted as much as he could possibly get.

A hand went up into Dean's hair and he moaned when nails dragged softly over his scalp. His hair was gripped gently and Cole reached down to cup the blonde's ass.

Dean broke the kiss to make a sound, Cole stopped for a moment. "Is this okay?"

"More than." Dean kissed him again, pushing his hips forward and trying to push Cole back against the shelves a little.

Cole gave in before turning them around and pressing Dean to the back wall and kissing his lips again before kissing over his jaw.

Three minutes.

"Cole-" Dean whined shamelessly, holding the brunette as close as he could.

"Do you like this?" The more stout boy asked.

Dean nodded and swallowed, pressing his fingertips into Cole's shoulders when breath ghosted over his ear. "More... Please."

Cole groaned and closed his eyes, moving back up and kissing the other boy a little more roughly, his mouth opening and letting his tongue travel out.

Dean exhaled through his nose and let his own lips part, this kiss making his mind go blank. Cole reached down, cupping the back of Dean's knee and pulling it up around his own waist.

Dean had never done anything like this, Castiel constantly teased him for being a 'prude,' but God he felt like everything was perfect and when their crotches pressed in the way that they did, he couldn't breathe.

Two.

He pushed his pelvis forward, body meeting Cole's like a key made for a lock. Dean tried to hold back a whine, not wanting anyone outside the closet to know that they were doing anything.

"Please-" he choked, grabbing at the back of Cole's shirt.

"I know..." The brunette whispered, grinding his hips in a smooth, upward motion against Dean's and the blonde could feel that the other boy was just as aroused as he was by the entire thing, legs shaking.

"Dean," Cole paused, looking into the other boy's green eyes. "I would like to have more than seven minutes with you, later, if- if you'd like."

One.

"Y- yes." Dean bit his lip, looking at Cole and leaning forward to kiss him again. "I would very, very much like that." He pressed his hips forward and their covered erections slid together, making them both groan. "We're almost out of time." Dean sighed.

"I know." Cole let Dean's leg down and kept kissing him like a starved man, like he needed Dean's lips to survive.

A knock startled them both and Cole quickly jumped away from Dean, which made Dean shudder for a moment as the door opened. Castiel smirked at the two of them as Dean quickly tried to fix his hair, if it could be fixed, anyway.

"Looks like you two had a good seven minutes." Dean's best friend laughed as the two boys left the closet, walking awkwardly and doing their best to hide their excitement.

Castiel smiled about the room, watching everyone's faces as he dug around the bowl and pulled out another piece of paper. "Okay! Who's next?"

*****

3 DAYS LATER   
Lawrence, Kansas. January 24th, 1995.

Dean completely loved his party that Castiel threw for him, thanking his best friend up and down for it. Especially the games, in which the first he was able to make out with his crush.

Castiel could only offer 'you're welcome's, smiles, and quick hugs in return. It's what best friends were supposed to do.

It was the Tuesday after the party, an extra cold day too. Dean was thankful for his mom driving him to school, the bus being just a living hell with how cold and dirty it was. Plus, sometimes she bought him breakfast on the way.

Mary had asked about the party, how it went and how Dean enjoyed it, things like that. Her son told her the truth... Just not the _whole truth_.

He talked about the food, a couple of the games, the music, his friends, but not a word about Cole besides listing him as a friend that showed up.

Mary was happy that Dean had fun and even happier that Dean had a friend like Castiel.

The night before this morning was, of course, Dean's real birthday. The family went out for a celebration dinner and he got a few cool gifts. His dad bought him a pass for driver's ed, and told him that when he was done and had his license, he would let Dean drive the impala some.

His mom bought him some clothes, and Sam got him a rather odd looking necklace. Sam seemed overly excited about it, so Dean thanked him properly and put it on. It wasn't bad, per say, just different.

Which reminded him, he was still currently wearing it as he was walking into school. He shrugged and kept walking, finding Castiel chatting up some girl. Dean's stomach twisted a little at that, afraid he'd be losing more of his best friend's time again to some chick. But he put on a smile and said hello.

The girl was named Megan, but she preferred Meg. She was sort of going through a goth phase too, which confused Dean on why Castiel was flirting. He didn't think Castiel was into girls like that.

The two walked to their classes and talked about hoping for dates with their corresponding crushes.

The day before, Cole hadn't been in class, but when Dean walked into science at the end of the day, there he was. The blonde couldn't help but blush, feeling a wave of warmth and slight arousal wash over him as he thought about Saturday night.

He went and sat in his assigned seat behind Cole, noticing the boy's eyes follow him. "Hey, Winchester." He grinned.

Dean bit his lip and smiled back, "Hi, Cole... Um, how was the rest of your weekend?"

"Pretty uneventful," he replied, leaning closer to whisper to Dean, "besides thinking about you, obviously."

Dean's eyes went wide and he felt his heart jump into his throat. "Y- you're lying." He laughed nervously.

Cole shook his head, scooting his chair backwards to get even closer, setting his elbows on Dean's desk and leaning forward. "I'm an honest guy, Dean. Why would I lie to someone so cute?"

Dean shrugged, holding back a giggle. "Yeah... I suppose someone as hot as you wouldn't be much of a liar." He played that back in his head, realizing there was little to zero logic in his attempt to flirt, but knowing it was too late to take it back.

Cole laughed a bit, "Oh?"

Dean just nodded and Cole's smirk grew. "How about you and I go out on Friday?"

"Well, I'm free tonight..." Dean bit at his lip.

"Perfect. How about the pizza shuttle place on 23rd? Around 7?"

Dean smiled brightly, wondering if this was a dream or reality. Cole's eyes were so bright.

"Dean?"

Dean snapped out of his trance, "what? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That would- that's perfect."

"It's a date." Cole smiled and turned around as their teacher called the class's attention and class started.

Dean couldn't think through the entire period, mind blank, heart happy. His face actually began to hurt from how big he was smiling. He was glad that he sat in the back so the teacher wasn't looking at him oddly.

He told Castiel everything that happened later that day, and Castiel helped Dean pick out an outfit for the night.

They decided that Dean's dark green flannel over a pale blue shirt would be best. Especially with his light washed jeans that hung low on his hips.

Dean was able to convince John to drive him to the pizza place, as he said he was just meeting a friend and then would be done around 9, he assumed.

There Cole stood, bright, cute, and looking at Dean like he was the only one in the room as he walked over.

"Do you like pepperoni?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is a little short! Next one will be nice and long.

Lawrence, Kansas. February 14th, 1995.

3 weeks of dating and several make out sessions later, it was Valentine's Day and Dean was more than excited to give Cole his gift.

Dean had received a few roses in his locker the day before, with a note saying something special would be happening on Valentine's Day.

Dean bought Cole some chocolates, a common thing, and he was going to ask Cole to be his official boyfriend that night. Along with the nice date he'd planned.

It was 7pm and Dean told his mom he was going to meet Castiel at the movies where she was going to drop him off, but really, he was meeting Cole there before they would pick up some food and walk to a nearby park.

"Thanks, mom. It should be done around 9:30."

"Is it really that long? What movie is it again?"

"Billy Madison. And I don't know. There's previews and stuff. If it's over earlier, Cas and I will just hang out inside until you get here." Dean shrugged and began climbing out.

Mary nodded, "well, okay. Does Cas need a ride home?"

Dean shook his head. "I think his dad is coming because they have to pick up Michael from a friend's house later around here."

"Okay. Have fun."

Dean smiled and waved goodbye, closing the door and walking towards the theater doors where he was supposed to meet Cole.

The other boy showed up about ten minutes later and brushed Dean's hand with his own as a sweet hello. They were still both afraid to kiss in public or anything.

The two went for dinner, smiling at each other throughout the meal. It was dark already, as it is in the winter after 5pm, and there were lights throughout the park as they started their walk.

"Happy Valentine's Day." Dean smiled, lacing his fingers with Cole as there weren't any people around.

"You too." Cole nodded and pulled Dean to sit down on a bench, their thick coats making a funny noise when they sat down together.

"Hey, um... I wanted to ask you something." Dean blushed, looking over at his date.

"Yeah?" Cole raised a brow.

"Will you be my boyfriend? Like um... Officially?"

Cole thought for a second before nodding and leaning in to kiss Dean softly.

The little kisses turned into sloppy wet ones before they were both rock hard and Cole was half on top of Dean. "My parents are out on a date and they let me use the other car... Want to go back to my house?"

Dean's heart skipped a beat and his pupils dilated while he nodded and leant up for another kiss. "I'd love that." He breathed, hot air puffing out of his mouth.

In fifteen minutes time, they were back at Cole's house, in his bedroom and trying to undress each other. Dean had never been naked in front of anyone but family and very very close friends. He was nervous, but Cole was moving so quick that he didn't really have time to think about it.

They finally got down to underwear before Cole shoved Dean into the bed, moving between his legs and licking over his collarbone.

"You're so sexy, Dean." Cole breathed, pushing his hips down into the other boy's, eliciting a whine from him.

Cole got both their pairs of underwear off, grinding their naked bodies together and making Dean moan.

Dean had to say one more thing before they continued though. "Wait- wait... Cole- I um, I don't, I don't think I can g- go all the way tonight." He blushed.

"That's okay." Cole whispered, kissing Dean and continuing to move. "Another night."

After an hour of fooling around, making out, and a couple other things, Cole drove Dean back to the theater in time for him to be picked up by his mother.

Dean was hoping that there weren't any visible marks or redness, and considering his mother hadn't said anything that night, Dean went to sleep with a peaceful smile.

****

Lawrence, Kansas. March 3rd, 1995.

"What did he say, again?" Castiel asked a sniffly Dean.

"Cole- Cole said that he didn't feel like things were going anywhere... I wouldn't um, I wasn't ready for full on sex." He whispered to Castiel.

Castiel put an arm around Dean's shoulders. "It's okay to cry, Dean."

The blonde sobbed a little, "do you think he broke up with me because of that?"

Castiel shrugged a little. "I don't know."

_THE PREVIOUS NIGHT  
"Dean, I thought tonight was going to be special." Cole whispered, kissing the other boy's cheek._

_"Yeah, I want it to be. But I'm not ready, okay?"_

_"Don't be like that, babe."_

_Dean shook his head, pushing the short haired boy off of him. "Like what? I just don't think-"_

_"We need to break up." Cole muttered, pulling his clothes on. Dean's heart sank into the bottom of his stomach, head spinning. "What?"_

_"You don't care enough about me to do that, so I don't think we should be dating." Cole shrugged, buttoning his pants and grabbing his shirt._

_Dean sat up, frown on his face and eyes feeling prickly. "Cole, please. I'm- please? Please don't leave."_

_Cole shrugged, "I don't think it's working out, Dean. Really. I mean, sorry. But it's not what I thought it would be." That's when he left the room, Dean heard him go down the stairs, and leave him alone in the Winchester house._

"I'm so sorry, Dean. You're better than him, okay? Do you wanna go out, get your mind off of it?" Castiel asked, rubbing Dean's back.

The blonde shook his head. "Just wanna stay here."

The brunette nodded, looking at the clock. It was nearly 7pm and Castiel's stomach was growling. "Should we order pizza? Let's order pizza."

Dean sighed and nodded, moving out from under Castiel's arm and curling up on his best friend's bed.

The boy ordered a pizza and laid down next to Dean, the bed big enough for the both of them to have room.

"How about a movie? I don't want you to just sit there and feel bad, Dean. It's not good." Castiel rolled towards Dean, laughing a little as he jokingly spooned the blonde for a moment.

Dean's heart beat a little faster at that and he couldn't help the fact that he enjoyed the closeness, no matter who it was.

Castiel got up and Dean felt cold. "How about The Breakfast Club? You like that one." The brunette looked through the pile of movies on top of his tv.

He pushed the video into the player and waited for the little things to go on before he pressed play and went to sit with Dean. He touched the boy's back and looked at his best friend still laid down and curled up. "It's going to be okay. I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

Lawrence, Kansas. May 8th, 1997.

_"Mrs. Winchester, it's safe to say that your son has depression."_

_Mary frowned at the doctor, "What do I do?"_

The scene played through Dean's head over and over like a nightmare he couldn't wake up from. All he did anymore was sleep, just to try and forget it all.

He didn't know what happened or what he did wrong. He didn't know what to do, his parents didn't know what to do. He felt bad for how he randomly got into moods, didn't know why he was upset whenever he was.

He tried to hide it as best as he could, afraid he would make anyone else around him sad. Of course, he told Castiel. And it made Dean afraid to try and date again, he didn't think anyone would want him like this.

Not to mention Dean hated himself. He couldn't see anyone wanting to date him anyways.

Castiel kept telling Dean that he'd feel better one of these days and Sam told him to keep fighting through it, though he didn't understand.

It wasn't how people thought. It's not just being sad _all the time_. Although he'd almost rather have that instead of everything that comes along with it. Dean didn't just hate himself, he hated getting up, looking in the mirror, getting dressed because nothing fit right anymore. Hated being alive.

He was graduating next month and that was a whole other story. He felt horrible for how much it cost and how much his parents were paying for it all. Dean would sooner crawl into a hole and die than graduate.

Sleeping was easier than anything else. Talking was hard these days. Even to Cas. Dean didn't want to bother anyone with his problems, so he kept to himself, even though Castiel did his best to try and keep Dean happy.

That was difficult.

And it made Dean feel even worse that Castiel was upset he couldn't make the blonde feel better.

_"I'm sorry." Dean muttered into his pillows, wet eyes closing._

_"There's nothing to be sorry for." Castiel shook his head and scooted closer. "Do you want to do something? I've- I've been reading and getting up and moving helps. I know you don't want to, but I think it will help you feel better."_

_Dean wasn't sure if he even wanted to feel better. He was comfortable in his slump, in his sadness. He wanted to be happy, sure, but getting up and doing things sounded like the most difficult thing he'd done in years._

_He'd just failed one of the biggest exams of the year and he didn't know if he'd finish junior year with passing grades. Or at all._

_"Dean?"_

_The blonde opened his eyes and Castiel saw it then. **Really** saw it. Dean's eyes were glazed over and blank, his cheeks red from crying and rubbing the tears off of them. Dean didn't say anything, neither did his best friend. But the brunette truly saw the pain in Dean's eyes and it pained him more than anything else in the world to see someone he cared about so much, feel so terrible. Lifeless._

_"I'm sorry." Dean muttered again._

_Castiel frowned. "Me too."_

That was one of the hardest days Dean ever had. He even packed a bag and scrounged up some money to ride a bus somewhere far far away.

Even at that point, the thought of opting out terrified him. He didn't want to die a year ago, he just wanted to get away.

A lot changed in a year.

He didn't eat much anymore, Mary was worried about that and she tried to feed him. Dean just wasn't hungry.

He was awful at taking care of himself. Started forgetting to eat, really. It wasn't a priority. He tried to keep up with schoolwork and responsibilities. His father tried to transfer some chores to Sam so that Dean could rest more often, but Dean insisted on keeping all of his chores. He wasn't weak.

_"It's okay, sweetheart... We'll- we'll figure something out, okay?"_

That was the first time.

Dean was so angry at himself once that he punched a hole into the wall and caused his knuckles to bleed, he found that it actually felt good.

He started hurting himself on purpose because it was the only thing that could help him stop thinking.

First it was just scratching the inside of his palms with his nails, a common nervous tick.

Then he'd scratch at his chest and thighs, places people wouldn't see.

It got worse the more he did it and tried to hide it. It wasn't enough. He wanted more pain, started to use scissors and got little cuts up and over his shoulders.

He bought a pocket knife, something he could use almost anywhere.

Two months before this night, he had to frantically drive himself to a doctor to make sure he wasn't going to bleed out of the skin just below his elbows. He wrapped a thin layer of gauze with bandages and wore baggy sweatshirts for the next week.

Dean didn't know if he could do it anymore.

He pulled out a pen and a piece of paper.

Common words nowadays ran through Dean's head. 'Worthless, no good, ugly, piece of shit.'

He'd often refer to himself like this.

On second thought, maybe he should use a pencil.

_Dear family and friends,_

Dean started crying, warm streaks of tears running down his face. He wiped at his eyes so he could see the paper.

_I love you. You have all been awesome... I don't really know what to say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been such a pain the past year. I'll miss you, but I don't think I can continue living this worthless, crappy life._

He would've said "shitty," but he assumed his mom wouldn't want one of his last words to be something like that.

_I've been wanting to do this for awhile now. There's nothing you could have done._

Dean looked for his little knife briefly, setting down his other things and leaning back against the wall with a sob. He watched as the blade crossed his arms, red ribbons following closely behind.

He let out a sigh of relief, like someone who was addicted to cigarettes, taking a pull for the first time in awhile.

He swallowed, getting up and going to his parent's room. They were out with Sam for some sort of end of school orientation and Dean found that he couldn't say goodbye earlier. He didn't know tonight would be the night. He had to.

The blonde rummaged through his parents' medicine cabinet finding things from acid reflux pills to pain killers to birth control. He grabbed a few bottles and the closest cup and filled it with the whiskey he knew his dad kept in his closet.

Looking in the mirror, Dean was red in the face with wetted cheeks. He walked back to his room, shaking and crying harder. He wished things had gone better, he'd done his best but he couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't living, it was just surviving.

He sat in bed, opening the bottles he'd got and pouring some of each into his hand. His other hand continued the letter.

_I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do. I'm really sorry._

Wet drops fell from his eyes to the paper and he downed the handful of pills and a few gulps of whiskey with a hiss. He wiped the blood from his arms on his shirt, hissing at the sting of it that he hated himself for liking.

Crying harder and louder, Dean's heart pounded and he was finishing his note in his last breaths.

_Sam can have all my stuff. Mom, dad, if you want anything, you have first dibs. Tell Cas that aft_  
  
"Cas-" Dean muttered, stomach churning worse than before. He got up walking to the phone in the hall and feeling lightheaded. He cried harder, calling Castiel even though he was only across the street. He had to sit on the floor while it rang.

"Hello?" Castiel smiled, turning away from his homework.

"Cas-" Dean huffed.

"Dean? Are you okay?"

"Cas, I- I took pills."

"What do you mean?"

"Cas, I don't feel good." Dean sobbed into the phone and Castiel realized.

"Dean don't do anything. I'm coming over right now." The brunette hung up the phone and didn't even bother with shoes, sprinting downstairs and nearly flying out the door. He darted across the street to Dean's door, hoping it would be open and thanking God that it was.

"Dean!" Castiel's eyes checked the downstairs quickly before hearing crying at the top of the stairs. He ran up, seeing Dean more horrible than he ever had. "Dean?" Castiel frowned, tears forming in his eyes.

"Cas- Cas I shouldn't-" Dean looked up with red eyes.

"Dean, it's okay." He reached down and started pulling his friend up. "It's okay, okay? It's gonna be okay." He began to cry, carrying the blonde out and grabbing what looked to be the impala's keys. "Come on. Come on."

"I'm sorry..." Dean mumbled, coughing.

"It's okay. Don't- just-" Castiel put Dean in the passenger seat and ran around, starting the car and driving off. He headed towards the hospital, glad the emergency room was on the front and just to the side. He whipped into the parking lot. He shoved the keys in his pocket and ran around to pull Dean out of the car, carrying his friend inside. "Help! Please- please help! He's dying..." Castiel sobbed out, a nurse coming from around the desk.

"Follow me, what happened?" She beckoned Castiel behind two doors.

"He took pills and- and his arms are all bloody. Please, you have to save him. Please."

"What did he take?"

"I don't know."

Dean was losing consciousness, actually having lost a decent amount of blood to Castiel's shirt and his own by this time.

"Okay. Lay him down here." She helped the brunette lay his best friend on the bed and started to wheel him away. "Come on."

Castiel wasn't behind for a second, following her back. "Please..." He sniffed, holding the dying boy's hand on the way to an examination room.

"Time sensitive!" She yelled and two doctors appeared soon. She quickly explained what was going on.

The doctor turned to Castiel. "He has to purge. _Now_."

Castiel nodded and backed away as the doctor sat Dean up and used a small tool that made the blonde start gagging before the contents of his stomach finally came up into his lap. It wasn't much more than grayish watery goo.

Castiel had to look away for a second as Dean began to cough up blood, adding to that on his arms. The brunette cried and turned back, his friend pale and sickly looking. He didn't know what to do. What could he?

Dean's eyes fluttered closed as he completely lost consciousness.

_"It's okay, Dean. It's okay." Castiel whispered, hugging him closely and setting his chin on his best friend's head. Dean sank into Castiel's chest and everything went white._

_"Thank you, Cas... Don't leave me."_

_"I'm not going to. You know that."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Don't be."_

_Dean blinked a few times at Castiel after leaning up to look him in the eye, suddenly noticing how much closer they were. Were they in a box? The room felt so small. No room to breathe._

_The blonde started choking, coughing and spitting up. "Cas?" He huffed out between coughs. He kept coughing, more consecutively now, heart racing and head aching. He kept choking until Castiel grabbed his shoulders and started shaking him. "I'm not losing you!"_  
  
"I'm not losing you, Dean! Wake up!" Castiel nearly screamed, tears running down his face. He shook Dean, trying to wake him up as he kept coughing in his sleep.

The doctors tried pulling Castiel away but Dean gasped for air, eyes opening and coughing beginning to slow. "Dean!" The brunette called, running out of the arms of the strangers and to his best friend to hug him. "Are you okay? Dean?"

Dean just breathed Castiel in softly, leaning into the embrace and feeling himself alive once again. He felt the needle in the back of his hand, the weird monitor on his finger, but mostly he felt Castiel's shaggy hair against his neck. His friend felt so real compared to anything else.

"Cas..." Dean whispered, eyes closing.

"Don't leave me."

"I'm not going to." Dean whispered back.


	6. Chapter 6

"No. I don't know. He's- yes, he's doing okay now, Mrs. Winchester." Castiel nodded, on the phone with the family. He'd been trying to get a hold of them and thanked God that he finally did.

Mary spoke shakily, "Thank you, Cas. It means everything to us. We're on our way."

"See you soon." Castiel nodded and hung up the phone, walking around the corner and back into the room where Dean was lazily looking around.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

"I should though."

Castiel looked at him sternly, "Dean."

Dean just gave the brunette a knowing look.

The younger boy looked up as he settled in the chair next to the bed. "Your family is on their way."

"Shit." Dean sighed, he never wanted them to see him like this, never wanted _anyone_ to see him like this. He hated this side of himself. But he assumed it was inevitable.

Castiel reached up, setting his hand over Dean's wrist gently. "It's okay. Just try and relax. They said you need to get your blood pressure down."

The blonde nodded in response and tipped his head back, closing his eyes.

Within twenty minutes the rest of the Winchester family had showed up, along with Castiel's dad. Mary and John had told Chuck what happened and was having Gabriel watch Anna.

The whole family rushed in, Sam going to give Dean a gentle hug as Mary did the same. John could barely look at his oldest son, heart hurting for him. Mary ran her fingers softly through Dean's hair as he weakly smiled at everyone.

"I love you, baby. Why did you-? How could you-?" Mary frowned, starting to cry.

"I'm sorry." Dean whispered.

"Would've missed you too much." John shook his head, sniffing as he looked at the blonde.

Castiel watched, Chuck doing the same as he sat next to his own son in the open chair. The two just looked at each other for a moment and then to the Winchester family.

"Sir, can you please sign some papers?" A nurse walked in and tapped on John's shoulder gently. He took a breath and nodded, leaving the room with her.

Sam frowned and went to follow his father, knowing his mom wanted a moment there alone, close with Dean. Castiel and Chuck left as well for the time being.

"Dean." Mary whispered.

"I know-"

"No." She shook her head. "We're... We're gonna get help, okay? Once you're out of here, we're gonna get help. We're gonna get you better."

_I can't get better_ , Dean thought. But he only nodded. "Okay. I love you."

"Love you too, baby."

****

Lawrence, Kansas. June 7th, 1997.

Dean got a little better by graduation day. He was in therapy now, after some more looking and studying, he found a good college that he liked. It was a two year general program that he'd start and he could choose a major if he wanted to later.

He tried finding a medicine to help him but nothing had really worked for him. They only made things worse or made him too tired to think, which he'll admit, he sometimes preferred.

Graduation wasn't till 4 and it was barely noon, he planned on getting lunch with his best friend.

He walked across the street, grabbing Castiel before the two went to a burger place in town and talked over their meals.

Castiel couldn't stress enough how happy he was that Dean was still there.

He had visited his best friend each day he was in the hospital the month before. Three whole nights, making four days. Dean hated it but they had to monitor his vitals.

Mary and John didn't mind the hospital bills as long as Dean was okay.

Dean looked up at Castiel, breaking his wall of thoughts with a clink of their glasses. "To the end of an era." He smiled.

Castiel nodded, "and the beginning of another."

****

Leavenworth, Kansas. December 19th, 1998.

Castiel looked at the campus' map, desperately trying to find where Dean told him to meet him.

Dean was attending Kansas City Community College and they would be seeing each other for the first time since Castiel's birthday in July.

Castiel found a payphone, dialing Dean's number for his hall. Some voice he didn't recognize answered and he asked for Dean. After a few minutes and some mumbling, Dean was on the phone. "Hey! Wait, who's this?"

"It's Cas."

"Hey!" He repeated, laughing a little. "I was just coming to meet you. Wanna just come up to my dorm with your stuff? It'd probably be easier. Plus you already know where it is." Dean leaned against the wall.

Castiel sighed, shoulder hurting from his bag. "Sure. I'll be there in a few minutes."

After some walking and some more sighing, Castiel was in Dean's room and they were embraced in a tight hug. "I've seriously missed you." Dean hummed into Castiel's shoulder.

The brunette nodded and pulled out of the hug. "Same to you. Also, I got you a little present."

"Aw you didn't have to do that." The blonde shook his head.

"No, I wanted to. It's not much so don't get your hopes up." He pulled a small wrapped box from his bag and handed it to Dean.

Dean opened it and inside was two playboy magazines and three mini pies.

"Shitty wrapping too, I know." Castiel laughed and rolled his eyes at himself.

"No man, I love it. My roommate is gonna hate you for giving these to me though." Dean chuckled and held up the magazines.

Castiel blushed a bit. "I'm sure he'll live. Put a sock on the door... Oh by the way, how's Lisa?"

Dean smiled. Lisa had been Dean's girlfriend for a little over a year now and things were fairly serious. She was sweet and gorgeous, just how Dean liked his girls. "She's great." He nodded. "I'm planning on a big date for New Year's."

"Oh?" Castiel raised a brow. "Something special?" He held up his left hand and wiggled his ring finger.

Dean was blushing now, shaking his head. "No, not yet, man. I love her, but I'd like to at least finish my degree first. She said the same thing. It's come up but... Yeah. Plus she's been a little sick lately so I have to wait for her to get over that. I'm sure she'll be better in a couple days."

Castiel nodded and smiled a little. "That's fine, I'm sure she will be."

The blonde hummed and looked at his best friend for a moment. "Did you get a haircut?"

The other nodded. "How does it look? It's a bit shorter than usual..."

"It looks good. You're good lookin'." Dean clicked his tongue twice and laughed as he stood. "I'm starving. Ready for lunch?"

The brunette gave a thumbs up and followed Dean to the impala and climbed in. They drove to the new place Dean had been telling Castiel about for awhile now, he claimed they had the best French fries anyone would ever have.

Castiel found out Dean was right about that.

They caught up over lunch and Dean almost felt bad for Cas. He hadn't dated anyone since high school and while he seemed happy as a single guy, something was off.

"So, any girls lately?" Dean asked, walking next to his best friend as they left the diner and headed next door to the bookstore they'd talked about visiting.

Castiel shook his head and shrugged. "Nah. No one is very interesting at Baker. Just like last quarter and the quarter before."

"Sorry, man." Dean half frowned.

"It's fine. I don't mind being single. I just wish there was a decent person to talk to. People are just boring." Castiel laughed humorlessly.

"Just transfer here." Dean nudged the brunette as he pulled a book of the shelf to glance at for a moment.

"I wish I could. Trust me. But they don't have a very extensive biology program here." He shrugged. Castiel gasped suddenly and looked at Dean.

Dean was afraid he'd just got shot but his best friend assured him that wasn't the case. "I can't believe I forgot." He laughed. "I got a tattoo!"

"You what?" Dean nearly giggled.

"I got a tattoo." Castiel pulled up his sleeve to his elbow and just below the seam was a very small, colorless and cute cartoon bee.

"That's adorable." Dean hummed.

"Thank you." Castiel nodded and smiled, pulling his sleeve back down. "I love it very much. I figured since it's my favorite animal I'd represent that." He nodded.

"Fair enough." Dean shrugged. "It's sweet."

Castiel just smiled at the blonde before continuing to look through books.


	7. Chapter 7

They were each three beers into the night, having gotten back from the bookstore about four hours before.

The two boys were more than buzzed, Dean a bit less than Castiel, but still.

Dean sighed, both of them sitting on Dean's bed and leaning back against the wall.

"Do we have any more?" Castiel looked at the blonde with heavy eyelids. The other shook his head with a frown. "I think Aaron has some eggnog. With- with alcohol of course... He's justdownthehall..." Dean slurred.

"Well go get it." Castiel giggled and leaned his head back against the wall as he watched his best friend get up.

Dean can't remember how he got there but suddenly he was in front of Aaron's door as it began to open. The shorter man looked just as out of it as Dean did, but he smelled of marijuana rather than alcohol.

"Hey, sexy." The brunette nodded his head up as a hello and Dean blushed a little. Aaron had changed a bit since high school. He was more attractive and definitely less awkward. But still not the most smooth guy.

Dean ended up having a history class with him and Aaron really knew his World War II stuff, so Dean asked for help studying and he aced that section.

"What can I do for you?" Aaron's voice cut through the thick air.

"Do you still have any um, eggnog?" Dean blinked and looked Aaron over before meeting his gaze once more.

"I think so. Come in." The brunette stepped back and the blonde let the door close behind him.

Dean looked around the room, noticing the aroma was stronger inside. "...I've never tried it."

"What?" Aaron asked, digging through his little fridge."

"Pot." Dean replied. "It doesn't smell very good."

The brunette turned around with a carton in hand, stepping over to Dean.

"What does it taste like?"

Aaron smirked. "You tell me." The brunette stepped forward and leaned up, pressing his lips to Dean's and letting his eyes close.

The beer was definitely slowing the blonde down and by the time he realized he needed to back away, he was already leaning into it as the other man's tongue entered his mouth.

Dean made a sound before he opened his eyes and pulled back quickly. He grabbed the carton from Aaron's hand and mumbled a thanks as he darted out of the room.

He walked back to his own and walked back in to see Castiel in the same position. The loudness of him nearly slamming the door snapped the brunette out of his trance and made him look at Dean. He smiled groggily, "you got it." He looked at his best friend's hand.

Dean nodded, still trying to figure out what just happened. "Pot doesn't taste that bad."

Castiel squinted his eyes. "What? When did you have pot?"

"Aaron was smoking..." Dean brushed his fingers through his shaggy hair.

"You tried it?"

Dean shook his head, walking over and sitting on the bed, facing Castiel. "He kissed me."

Castiel's jaw dropped, "Oooh. New boyfriend?"

"I'm dating Lisa." Dean corrected him.

"Well why did you-"

"He kissed _me_."

"Did you like it?"

Dean shook his head. "I don't- I don't know. It was a good kiss I guess..."

Castiel hummed and grabbed the carton from Dean, taking a few gulps and hissing at how strong it was. Dean took it back and took a hit, trying to get as drunk as he possibly could so he wouldn't remember anything in the morning.

They finished it off within a few minutes and they were both looking like they'd pass out any second.

The brunette looked at the blonde. "Why does everyone kiss you?"

Dean looked up. "Not everyone."

"You must be a real good kisser."

"Well I haven't had any complaints." Dean chuckled.

"Can I see?"

"See what?"

Castiel blinked, "how you kiss."

Dean shrugged, he wasn't against kissing guys, and if Castiel wasn't, whatever, right?

"Sure." And the second he said it, his heart started racing. It's just that he's been friends with Cas for so long. He had a bit of a crush on him for a few months right after Cole broke up with him but it wasn't strong and it went away pretty easily. Especially since he never spoke a word about it.

Castiel moved up onto his knees and hands, leaning forward to reach Dean. The blonde's eyes slipped closed, hands in his lap and body moving towards his best friend's before their lips pressed gently together.

The brunette's lips parted a little and he tilted his head in the slightest before backing away, their mouths making a little smacking sound.

"So?" Dean laughed awkwardly.

"Not bad." Castiel gave Dean another peck before giggling and flopping down, laying next to Dean now. "I'm tired." He mumbled.

"Me too. Night, Cas." Dean got onto the floor, the twin size bed feeling extra small. He pushed his comforter over his friend and laid down a couple blankets for himself. He would've just gotten in his roommate's bed but he didn't know when he was going to be back so he decided against it.

Castiel hummed and readjusted, "g'night."

****

Leavenworth, Kansas. January 2nd, 1999.

"I haven't seen you since before Christmas." Dean shook his head. "That's far too long." He licked his lips, leaning down to kiss her.

"I need to tell you something, Dean." Lisa bit her lip, running her fingers through her dark hair.

"I should tell you something too."

Lisa's stomach sank and she couldn't look at Dean. "I think I should go first." Dean nodded in agreement.

"I'm um..." She took a breath. "I'm pregnant."

Dean gasped, "oh my god...we always used protection. That can't- it has to be false." He began to sweat.

Lisa shook her head, tears welling up as her voice broke. "Um." She sniffled. "Dean, it's not- it's not yours."

Dean looked at her, letting go of her hand and leaning back. "Wh... Oh. Oh. I-"

"Dean, I'm so sorry. I- I was drunk and it was at a party-"

The blonde shook his head, standing. "I thought-" he laughed, no emotion. "I don't..."

"Dean, we can fix this."

Dean shook his head and closed his eyes before looking at her again. He frowned, tears in his eyes. "Goodbye, Lisa."

****

Bozeman, Montana. April 11th, 2002.

"Okay. I'll see you soon. Bye."

Castiel had picked up a job at Yellowstone National Park as a field biologist. He goes out and studies the animals that had been reported with odd or dangerous behavior. It's really his job to figure out what's wrong and find a solution. It's not exactly what he studied in college but it was close enough and he liked it and got decent pay.

Dean was coming to visit for a couple weeks and try and get to know the town. Things looked like they were coming to an end at the radio station he was working at, and living all the way back in Kansas, that far from his best friend, wasn't working for him. Sam had gone to college the year before and Dean began to feel lonely in town. Of course after his father had passed away in 2000 from a heart attack, that hit him pretty hard.

Dean would really like to move somewhere closer to Castiel but he had to find a job and figure out the town first.

He arrived and they had dinner, Castiel made burgers at Dean's request.

Castiel dated someone for a couple weeks around Thanksgiving, but something was off and he didn't click with her.

Dean felt broken for awhile after Lisa but he had a sort of thing with Aaron for a month before graduating. Just physical but it was still something. He liked having that more than nothing.

"Have you been okay?" Dean asked, looking up at Castiel.

"Yeah. Why?"

"It's just that you haven't been really dating much the past couple years. Even since high school." He shrugged.

Castiel had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "I'm fine. Don't mother me." He chuckled.

"I mean if you're not okay, you know you can tell me."

"Dean, I'm fine." Castiel said softly.

"Alright. I'll back off. If you ever need advice or anything just- I'm here. That's all I'm saying." He shrugged with one shoulder and took another pull from his water. Castiel was fresh out of beer.

"So, let's watch this movie, huh?" Dean smiled and got up to put it in the player.

Castiel rented the first Lord of The Rings movie since Dean had been too busy to see it when it was in theaters.

Castiel sighed as the movie started, chewing at the skin around his nails as Dean settled back into the couch.

About an hour into the movie, Dean turned the volume down to more of a whisper as the clicks of Castiel's teeth against his nails increased in volume.

"Okay. Really, what is it, Cas? You _never_ bite your nails." Dean turned to him. "I promise, no judging or anything."

"Dean, really, I'm fine."

"Did you start smoking and need a cigarette or something? You know me, I smoked steady through freshman year of college. I don't care."

Castiel shook his head.

Dean sighed at that. "You know, I'm not trying to put you on a guilt trip but it sucks when you won't talk to me, man."

Castiel looked at Dean, blushing a little and gaze cast downwards. "I just want to ask a question real quick."

"Shoot." Dean smiled a little.

"How... How did you know you were gay? Or- or bi or whatever?" Castiel raised his eyebrows.

"See that wasn't too hard." Dean grinned slightly. "And I actually found something that I think fits best. Labels are lame but, it's called pansexual. It's sort of like bisexual I guess. It means I don't really care what someone's like on the outside as long as I like who they are." He shrugged a little. "That's kinda what fits me best."

"Oh." Castiel nodded and perked up a little. "That's good."

"Thanks, man. And yeah, back to your original question," Dean laughed quietly and looked away. "I'm not sure, really... I mean, Cole was pretty much my first guy crush. I tried to like, _not_ like guys for a couple years just 'cause it's a big thing. I dunno. But then I just let myself and I guess it turned out okay. My dad never knew. And I still haven't told my mom... I hate explaining it. I wish it could just be what it is."

Castiel looked at Dean, still listening and waiting.

"To the point, I was in denial but it felt better to just let myself want whatever I wanted." Dean scratched the back of his head. "I just thought that... I guess guys were a little bit of a turn on for me and that's kind of how it started. I thought about, well, about naked guys... Like, a lot. And it- it seemed appealing to me. It kind of just happened..."

Castiel nodded, getting an answer. He didn't know if it was the one he wanted though. He didn't know what he wanted.

"Why do you ask?" Dean asked curiously.

"I don't know. I- I think... I'm not really interested in women anymore." Castiel bit his lip.

"Oh, really?" Dean raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. But I don't really know if I like guys, you know?"

Dean nodded. He really did know. He had the same trouble growing up. What he allowed himself and what he wanted to have were two completely different things.

"Maybe we could go to like a club or something. Get you some numbers. See what you like. Is there anything around here?"

Castiel nodded. "I don't know if it's a gay bar... There's something in Billings, a couple cities away, that might be useful."

"Great. Maybe tomorrow?"

Castiel shook his head. "I don't know, Dean. It makes me nervous."

"Dude, it's fine. Think on it. We don't have to."

Castiel nodded and turned his attention back towards the screen. "Thank you." He mumbled.

Dean just patted Castiel's arm before returning the television to its original volume.


	8. Chapter 8

Bozeman, Montana-Lawrence, Kansas. April 29th, 2002.

Dean's phone rang and before he answered, he cursed whoever was deciding to call less than two hours after he fell asleep. Sure, it was only 10pm, but really, he was still sort of on Montana time.

"What?" Dean grumbled into the phone.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Castiel asked quietly at the other end of the line.

"A little." Dean laughed gruffly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think- well, I want to go to a club. Could you help me?"

"You tell me this... Three days after I fly home?"

"I'll come to you. They owe me some sick days."

"No... I'm planning on giving my notice tomorrow. I found a place in this town called Big Timber. Ever heard of it?"

"Yeah, wait, Dean. Are you telling me that you're moving here? To Big Timber?" If Dean could see Castiel's face, it would scream excitement.

"Yeah." Dean laughed happily.

They would've most likely discussed moving in together, at least for awhile, but Dean saw how small Castiel's apartment was and he decided against asking. It would've been fun, but cramped.

Castiel made a funny sound, "that's awesome!"

Dean hummed. "So what was this about a club, now? Does my buddy wanna hook up with some guys?" He laughed.

Castiel turned pink and rolled his eyes. "Well I'd like to see what flirting or kissing might be like I guess... I don't know. Don't tease me."

Dean knew Castiel wasn't joking, he felt sensitive about the whole thing. "Sorry, man. I won't. I've got some packing to finish up, I'm selling most of my furniture. It's cheaper to buy new stuff than to transport what I have. I looked at rates and it's insane."

"I know. So... How long?"

"Maybe a week. Two, tops."

"Great." Castiel smiled. "Batman and Batman, together again." He laughed.

"You're an idiot."

"I know."

"Night, Cas."

"G'night, Dean."

****

Big Timber, Montana. May 11th, 2002.

"Thanks, Danny." Dean smiled and handed the moving worker a ten dollar bill as a tip.

He turned around and looked at all of the boxes that filled his already confined living room. Dean could barely call it that. It was more of an entryway with a couch.

Castiel sat on that couch, looking at Dean. "Did the studio ever call back?"

"Nah. I'll call tomorrow." He went and sat down next to his best friend after closing the door.

"But, in the mean time, I'm all moved in. I have some cold drinks in the fridge, and the number to the closest pizza place." He smiled, stretching his arms across the back of the couch. "Oh!" Castiel could practically see the lightbulb come on above Dean's head and he laughed, Dean returned a smile. "We could go out tonight..." He nudged Castiel's side. "That is if you still want to do that."

"I really do." Castiel smiled shyly and nodded.

The blonde hummed, "wear something sexy. Do you want to borrow something?"

"I'm not sure what classifies as sexy in my closet."

"What about the white button up and the blue tie?"

"I look like some sort of tax accountant in that. No one wants to sleep with an accountant." Castiel realized what he said and laughed. "Or you know, talk to one or whatever." He shrugged.

"Come on. We'll find something." Dean laughed.

After about thirty minutes, Castiel was in his same black jeans along with one of Dean's red t shirts and a light jean jacket.

Dean was wearing his father's leather jacket, blue jeans, and a green flannel.

"Well, shall we?" The blonde looked at Castiel.

"Let's do it."

****

The drive was almost two hours to the club, but when they got there it was worth it. It was classy enough, but not so much as to make them feel underdressed. The only problem was that it was just more of a liberal bar, sometimes it was harder to tell who was straight and who wasn't.

Dean's gaydar was pretty perfect, at least in his mind. He directed Castiel towards one guy, staying close by to hear what happened.

Dean listened and what he heard almost made him cringe. Castiel was rather awkward when trying to flirt with guys. He'd seen him flirt with girls and he was pretty damn good, but this? He had no chance. Eventually Castiel scared the guy off and the brunette turned to his friend. "What did I do wrong?"

"Well, first of all, 'do you come here often?' Only works in movies, _sometimes_. Second, you were slouching and talking too loud. You want them to lean in to hear you. I let you use my good cologne. Don't let it go to waste." He laughed. "Come on, let's try again."

Dean pulled Cas to another man, looking him over. "Haaaaave you met Cas?" He waggled his eyebrows and walked off as he saw the two shake hands.

Castiel had to admit, Dean was pretty damn good at this. The brunette actually got the guy's number.

"His name's Brett. He seems nice."

"Well he's cute as hell. If you didn't grab him, I would've."

Castiel nodded and laughed along, not attempting to flirt for the rest of the night. Dean got two numbers and an invite home, but he turned the latter down. He wanted to keep talking with Castiel about it all.

Cas told Dean he was tired around 11pm and then didn't get to Dean's until 1:30am. Needless for either of them to say, Castiel slept on Dean's couch that night.

He got up early to leave for work, leaving a note on Dean's kitchen counter to thank him for the night before and told him to call.


	9. Chapter 9

Big Timber, Montana. May 14th, 2002.

"Hey, Cas. It's Dean. I'm guessing you're still at work. When you're done you should come over for dinner. I bought these freezer meals and- well, yeah. I need to get them eaten up. See ya. Bye." Dean hung up the phone, wishing Castiel had picked up rather than making Dean leave a message. He was supposed to clock out any minute so Dean would wait for a call back while trying to figure out how to build his new bookshelf.

Screwdrivers, wrenches, and something Dean couldn't even name was strewn out around him. His phone began to ring on the counter and he nearly got a nail in his foot trying to get up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me. Can I still come over? Those meals still frozen?" Castiel almost giggled.

"Yeah. Frozen as hell. Will you bring beer? Or wine? Or whatever you want to drink?" Dean leaned against the counter, looking at the mess he made.

"Sure. I'll pick something up. See you soon."

"K, thanks. Bye."

****

Within the hour, Dean and Castiel had gone through a beer each and were almost finished with their meals.

"So I forgot to ask you about it when I called the other day, how did you like the club?" Dean covered his mouth as he spoke and ate at the same time.

"I liked it. I just felt nervous because it's all so new." Castiel nodded as his teeth worried his bottom lip.

"Yeah, I guess it takes getting used to. But I mean, flirting with guys isn't a whole lot different than flirting with girls. It's just flirting, but there's only a couple little body differences."

Castiel nodded, "I know. The idea is just foreign to me. I think it's something in my mind that's making me think it's this whole new frontier." The man shrugged. "I feel like I need practice or something." He laughed shyly.

Dean raised his eyebrows and opened another beer, glancing at the bottle of wine on the counter briefly before looking back at his best friend. "Well, practice on me. I dunno." He ate the last bite of his meal and looked at the almost empty container Castiel had pushed away from himself.

As Dean got up to throw away their trays, the brunette gave him a look of disbelief. "That's stupid. I know you."

"I can draw a mustache on myself and change my shirt if that helps."

Castiel almost snorted, getting up and finding the box of dishes to get a cup. He opened the wine while shaking his head. "No. Please don't." He poured half a glass and offered it to Dean, who shook his head.

The brunette took a swig of the dark alcohol while the blonde took a gulp of his light. Dean sighed, "well I don't know, then. Do you want to go back- wait, holy shit. Do you still have that guy's number?"

Castiel nodded, licking the liquid from his top lip.

"And have you called him?" Dean asked impatiently.

"No. He was nice but like, I just don't know him."

"Would you call a girl's number?"

That made Castiel look away guiltily. "No..."

"Yes. You would." Dean chuckled. "Why won't you call him? Get to know him a little. Go on a date. Make out. I don't know."

Castiel groaned, "I don't want to."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just don't."

"Six year old logic."

Castiel raised a threatening eyebrow and Dean had to stifle a laugh. "Please? For me?" The blonde gave a cheesy smile.

"I'd rather go on a first date with a guy that I know better."

"So make friends with him and _then_ go out. You don't have to have sex the second you see him. Gay guys go slow too." Dean shrugged and drank the rest of his beer.

Castiel thought for a moment, looking back at Dean. "Walk me through what an average date for you is."

"For me? Well... I meet the guy somewhere, we get dinner, go for a walk or go get drinks. And I guess then I take the guy home or back to where we met up, and give him a kiss goodnight. If more happens, I let it." Dean spat out.

The brunette hummed, nodding. "That sounds nice."

"See? It'll be easy."

Castiel grinned. "Alright. I'll call him."

****

Bozeman, Montana. May 21st, 2002.

"It was awful, Dean. Just awful."

"Well what happened?"

"I ended up paying for dinner because he apparently forgot his wallet, he tried to hold my hand, which was sweet except that he was extremely sweaty, and don't even talk to me about the end of the date." Castiel sighed, rubbing his eyes and leaning back against his couch, phone to his ear.

"What happened at the end?"

"I said don't talk about it."

"I wanna know." Dean laughed. "Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"Well he went to lean in and I leaned back and he nearly fell on top of me. It was a disaster, Dean. I hated it."

Dean frowned, "I'm sorry... Would getting drunk with your best friend make it better?"

"Probably."

"I'm coming over, then. See you in a few."

"See ya."

****

"Well then why didn't you?"

"Because he was weird."

"But you wanted to kiss him, Cas."

"Not _that much_." Castiel corrected drunkly. "But I do wanna kiss a guy someday..." He sighed dreamily.

Dean looked at his drunk friend, not drunk himself, knowing he had an interview the next morning.

"Can I kiss you, Dean?" Castiel blinked slowly at his best friend.

"That's probably not a good idea."

"But you're a good kisser, right?"

"You're drunk, Cas." Dean laughed. "If you remember this tomorrow, I promise, I'll let you kiss me."

"Fine. I'm gonna remember. You're gonnaregretit, Winchester." The brunette slurred.

Dean snorted and took the bottle from Castiel's hand, much to the other's protest. "You need water before you start puking."

"I'm not pooping." Castiel shook his head. "You weirdo." He giggled.

Dean rolled his eyes, grabbing a glass. He paused, looking at Castiel from the kitchen. What if he did remember in the morning? It's not like it'd be bad to kiss Cas. It just might be a little odd. Dean wasn't sure why he thought that, but he did.

He filled the glass with water, taking it to his best friend and grabbing his jacket and keys. "Let's get you to bed. Then I gotta go."

"Noooo." Castiel whined. "Stay here."

"I have that studio interview tomorrow." Dean sighed. "Otherwise I would."

"Fine." Castiel made a grumpy face, barely getting to a standing position before stumbling off to his room. Dean followed closely, making sure his friend didn't fall over.

He watched Castiel get in bed, turning off his light.

"Night, Cas."

"G'night, Dean."


	10. Chapter 10

Big Timber, Montana. May 22nd, 2002.

"Pick up. Pick up."

Finally. "Dean. It's 10am. I love you, man. But know how much I drank last night."

"I got the job, drunkard!" Dean chuckled and almost yelled into the phone.

"I knew you would." Castiel smiled, the sound waking him up a little more. "I'm proud of you. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a bottle of ibuprofen and a gallon of coffee. I'll call you when I'm alive again."

"Have fun." Dean giggled and hung up.

This new job would open up so many opportunities for him. He was working at a recording studio. New artists would come through and if they were good enough, they'd get to record their songs, and their tapes would be sent to the city's radio station to be played.

If Dean was lucky, he'd get to record something himself, but he didn't see that anywhere in the near future.

Thankfully, too, the studio was owned by a radio station, rock no less. His favorite.

Well, classic rock was best. But any rock is better than none, he guessed.

He went home and had something to eat before finishing his bookshelf. It was a damn good day. Maybe he'd celebrate with Cas that night.

His phone rang and he happily picked it up, his best friend's name on the screen.

"Hey, man. I was just thinking we should celebrate me getting the job toni-"

"I remember." Castiel mumbled.

"What?"

"I remember what you said last night. About- about me kissing you." Castiel spoke quietly again.

"Oh. Right." He thought Cas was so drunk the night before he wouldn't remember him even being over. "Um..." Dean blushed a little bit thinking about it. He didn't want to feel embarrassed, he just kinda did. He laughed nervously, "I didn't think you'd remember... But you do?"

"Yes." Castiel bit his lip. He was anxious. There was something in him that wanted it, just wanted so bad to know what it was like. "We can just forget it if you want..." He trailed off.

"No!" Dean spat out. "I- I mean, hah, no. No, we can do it. It's okay. I was just surprised you remember. That's all."

Castiel hummed. "Well if you're up for it," he hadn't really had a good kiss with someone he knew at least a little in a long time. He didn't like one night stands or quick things, he wanted to know someone. "Then I'd be up for it too."

"Okay. Soooo I'll come over in awhile and we can have dinner and then, that." Dean said awkwardly but smiled anyways.

"Yep. See you soon."

Dean hummed and hung up the phone before going to take another shower. The extra unpacking he'd done after his interview had made him sweaty and he didn't want to go over to Cas' place smelling bad.

He threw on a casual outfit afterwards, not planning on doing anything fancy for dinner. Within another thirty minutes he was knocking on Castiel's door and walking into the small house.

"Anything in particular sound good for dinner?" Dean asked, sitting in a chair by the door.

"I dunno. Maybe Italian or Chinese. I've had way too much pizza lately." Castiel chuckled.

"Isn't pizza Italian?"

"Kinda. But I was thinking pasta or something." The brunette laughed, putting on his shoes.

"We'll find a place."

****

"Dean, she was definitely flirting with you." Castiel protested with a laugh.

"I think she was just being nice." Dean shook his head, parking at Castiel's place. He thought for a moment while his best friend stared at him. "Yeah. Yeah okay she was all over me."

Castiel nodded, "that's what I thought." He got out of the car and walked up to his door, Dean following.

"So. Anything you want to do?" Castiel asked as he walked inside and shut the door behind his friend. He turned on a couple lights and looked at Dean when he started talking.

"You still wanna, you know?" Dean raised his brows and motioned to his mouth.

"Oh." Castiel had almost forgotten. "Sure. Yes. Yeah." He nodded.

Dean smiled and went to sit on the couch. "Well come here, sexy." He winked jokingly.

Castiel blushed and rolled his eyes, sitting on the couch with one leg up and facing Dean.

Dean smiled a little bit and cradled the right side of Cas' face with his left hand.

Leaning forward, Castiel began to let his eyes close and his head tilt.

The blonde's smile widened softly before he relaxed his lips and pressed them to his best friend's.

It was something that had crossed his mind before, how could it not? But there was something sweet and gentle about it that hadn't gone through his little daydreams before.

Castiel started to pull away after a few seconds and Dean didn't hesitate, chasing after the other man's lips for more. It was just so damn nice to be kissing someone he cared about.

The brunette made a quiet sound, surprised. But he didn't pull back as Dean's lips parted to deepen the kiss.

Another few seconds passed by and the older man pulled back, apologizing.

Castiel shook his head. "It's fine, Dean. Really." He licked his lips and gave his friend an innocent look.

"So uh- how- how... So, did you like it?"

Castiel nodded, a rosy color dusting his cheeks. "More than I thought I would."

"When you close your eyes, I mean, it's basically just another pair of lips." He shrugged. "But, like, of course, having something with that person helps." He cleared his throat.

Castiel nodded, giggling a little. "I kind of want to do some more." He looked away.

"Me too." Dean admitted. "It's just nice, you know? This doesn't mean things have to be weird with us." He shrugged, and what he was saying was true. He didn't want things to change just because they kissed a little.

"Yes. That would be nice." The brunette smiled and nodded, putting a hand on Dean's shoulder before moving into another embrace.

As the kiss began, Dean scooted a little closer, setting his palm on Castiel's calf to support his weight a little better.

Castiel really had to admit to himself how much he was enjoying this. The closeness was just perfect and so comfortable. He let out a little puff of air through his nose, his free hand going to press gently against Dean's chest.

A soft grunt was forced into Castiel's mouth when the blonde let it out, eyelids fluttering as he felt his stomach churn. "Cas- is... Is this okay?" Dean whispered, nervous and knowing he was enjoying this more than he should.

"More than." Castiel mumbled, purchasing a grip on Dean's shirt and pulling him back in. He hated it a little for letting himself do this, he just wanted something. Was that too much to ask? A little pleasure?

He told himself it was okay as Dean's hand found a place on his thigh, squeezing softly. "Dean." The brunette breathed, pressing his forehead to the other man's. "We- I think-"

"I think that's enough." Dean whispered. It's not what Castiel was thinking but it was probably for the best. They shouldn't be so into it and they knew that. Dean was just adding an experience to Castiel's list. That's all it was and that's all it would be.

Dean chuckled and sat back. "Well, I'd say- I'd say you tested the waters enough. And it seems as though you like it."

"Yeah... You just might be an extra good kisser though." Castiel laughed and ran his fingers through his hair, blushing.

Dean nodded and hummed. "Maybe. But I know for a fact that there has to be some guys out there better than me."

"Woah woah." Castiel raised a brow. "Dean Winchester admitting that he's not the best at something? Well this is just taking a complete turn."

Dean shoved at Castiel's shoulder, smiling. "Shut up."


	11. Chapter 11

Big Timber, Montana. May 23rd, 2002.

Dean dropped his keys on the tall box next to his front door, stretching his arms up. He'd slept on Castiel's couch, too tired to drive home the night before.

He had eleven days before he'd start the studio job and he wasn't 100% sure what to do until then. Of course, he had unpacking and organizing to do, but that was the only and last thing on his list.

He wanted to do something fun, something that he enjoyed. Hanging out with Castiel was really only one of those things. He loved hanging out with his best friend. The night before was no exception, either.

Dean spent the next two days eating, drinking, and slowly unpacking his boxes of movies, books, and linens. He listened to the radio station he'd now be working for and he saw a future there for himself. When he was taking the music and production classes in college he wasn't sure if he'd ever get anywhere with those things, it was just something he liked. But Dean honestly loved it.

On the 25th, Saturday, Castiel called after Dean had gotten home with leftovers from lunch in hand. "Hey. How's it going?"

"Well I never really properly, um, thanked you, for the other night." Castiel hummed.

Dean nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. "Ah. Um, yeah, Cas. It's- it's totally fine." He stuttered out.

"I was- well, I liked it and I was hoping we could go back to that club tonight. If we leave within the hour then we can get there by 5 easily. If we get too tired I'll even pay for a hotel." Castiel said it almost too quickly, mentally scolding himself. He had this thing with himself about sounding too desperate, for anything.

"Yeah." Dean smiled. "I'd love to help you get a couple dates or something." He tugged off his jacket and walked across the room to his couch, plopping down.

"Good. Shall I pick you up in about half an hour?"

Dean nodded to himself, "perfect."

"See you then."

****

A bit over three hours later, the two were in the club, first drinks in hand and eyes scanning the few people that were there.

They ordered dinner, eating and making small talk until the evening picked up and the bar filled with beautiful men and women.

Dean scouted out a couple guys for Castiel, trying to be a good wingman. The blonde got a number from a girl and a guy, Castiel coming up on collecting his fourth.

"You're really scoring tonight." Dean smiled. "Proud of ya, man." He chuckled.

"What can I say? I learned from the best." Castiel nudged him as a man approached them.

He looked Dean over hungrily, smirking and beginning to flirt with the blonde. Castiel stood back a little, still watching, observing.

The brunette wasn't sure what happened or if he was too drunk to remember, but suddenly Dean and the unfamiliar man were over on the darker side of the room, kissing and touching each other.

It seemed as thought a few couples had the same idea throughout the club and Castiel's stomach churned. He looked back to Dean, hoping for their gazes to meet and for his best friend to know he wanted out.

The brunette sighed and stood, dizzy. He walked towards the door, getting a little fresh air as a couple women left. He didn't want to leave, he stayed inside, eyes on Dean and the other man.

That's what Castiel wanted. He wanted to have that sexual attraction with someone, the connection. He was fairly sure Dean had never met the man, but Castiel couldn't be certain. Not after having three, four, five drinks.

He leaned back against the wall by the door, watching Dean's body move against the man's. The brunette watched his friend roll his hips, pull away shyly for only a split second, gripping at the other man's arms and shoulders.

Suddenly he was taken back to a few nights before, remembering his kiss with his best friend. A kiss with a friend.

 _Just a kiss_ , Castiel told himself.

His brows drew together and he forced himself to close his eyes. His stomach twisted a little and he just tried to focus on the feeling he had when he was with Dean. Castiel's heartbeat sped up and his eyes flew open before he made a bee line to the bathroom.

The brunette went to lean over a sink, bracing his hands on the side and looking into the slightly scratched up mirror in front of him. He felt stupid, the scene was like that from a dumb movie.

"Do you-?" He asked himself quietly. "No." He laughed humorlessly.

Did he have some sort of crush? That was stupid. He had other numbers. Phone numbers of willing men. Willing men that weren't Dean.

"Stupid." Castiel chuckled and shook his head, leaving the bathroom and seeing Dean back at the bar, ordering another drink.

Castiel walked over, unsteady. "Hey."

"Hey- woah, you look pale. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why? I feel fine." Castiel shrugged. "I think I had too much to drink."

****

Big Timber, Montana. May 27th, 2002.

"And that's how I ended up with vomit all over my boots."

Dean's mother laughed on the other end of the phone. "You take care of Castiel, now, okay? Chuck is worried about him sometimes, you know?"

"I know, mom. He's almost as bad as you." Dean laughed. "Cas just had too much to drink. It happens to everyone once in awhile. When I was sixteen..." Dean chuckled and trailed off, almost _feeling_ his mom make a face multiple states away. "When I was sixteen I did all my homework and went to bed on time. The end."

Mary shook her head, sighing. "I miss you, sweetie. You should come visit soon."

"I don't know if the studio will let me have vacation so soon. I mean I haven't even started yet."

"Well, call me and tell me your schedule as soon as you get it. We'll work something out. You know Sam's coming home for the summer?"

"Really? Feels like I haven't seen Sammy in forever."

"I suppose it's been a bit, yes." Mary hummed, both of them going somewhat quiet. She took a breath, "I can't believe it's almost been a year since the twin towers attack."

"Still a few months, but yeah. It's horrible. Uncle Bobby was up there that week for something too. Scared me to death." Dean rubbed his eyes.

Mary nodded, a beeping or ringing coming over the phone. "Oh, sweetie, that's the other phone. Call me soon, okay? I love you."

"Love you too, mom." Dean smiled and waited for Mary to hang up the phone before he did so as well.

The blonde took a deep breath and stood up, finally taking the dishes from the coffee table to the kitchen, left from days before.

A few thumps clicked at his door and he whipped around as he was almost scared. Mail? Neighbor?

 _Oh god, please no new neighbor shit_. Dean though to himself, going to answer the door with a smile anyways.

"Cas-?"

"Hey. Can I come in?" Castiel looked flush, red, like he'd just ran several blocks.

"You could've called." Dean said, letting his friend inside.

"I think it's better if we talk in person." He cleared his throat.

"Fuck, are you okay, Cas?"

"What? I'm fine. It's fine. I just need to ask you something." Castiel finally caught his breath, hanging his coat over the chair by the door.

"You're kinda freaking me out." Dean laughed nervously.

"Seriously, Dean, I'm alright." Castiel smiled and sat down on the couch, motioning for Dean to do the same. "I just had a question and stuff." He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in.

"Alright. Go ahead." Dean sat down, facing the brunette.

"Well, I still have all those numbers from the bar, right? And you do too. And then you were making out with that guy-"

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have left you like that."

"Stop. A guy's gotta eat, right?" Castiel giggled. "That's- my- it's okay. When I saw you guys... I just remembered how much I loved doing that. Being able to- to kiss someone, be with someone, and not worry about what's next or forgetting their last name or not knowing if I'd see them again."

"I'm completely certain one of those guys, if you just call and go out with them, something will work out, Cas."

"That's the problem, Dean. It's... It's not just me being nervous about going out with them." The brunette felt his heart jump into his throat. "When I saw you with that guy... I couldn't stop-" he sighed, "I couldn't stop thinking about kissing you and it's been killing me the past few days." Castiel blushed, looking away.

Dean didn't speak for a minute, thinking and contemplating. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. Everything was supposed to be okay and he and Cas, nothing was supposed to change. "Are you jealous?"

Castiel cleared his throat. "Of him. Yeah."

"Cas..." Dean gave him the face. The face that said _I'm sorry I got too into it while you and I were kind of making out just as friends and now there's a problem and I don't know what to do_. That face.

"I know. It's really stupid. Even more so now that- God, I shouldn't have said anything." Castiel sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. They opened again and he got up, grabbing his coat.

Dean stood quickly but before he could catch his friend, an apology was mumbled and he was gone.


	12. Chapter 12

Big Timber, Montana. June 3rd, 2002

"Hey, Cas... It's me again. Please call me back. I'm worried about you." Dean sighed and hung up, leaving another message.

After Castiel storming out, Dean gave him a day and half before calling. No answer.

No answer for days. Dean would just have to go find him at his place or work if he couldn't get a hold of him. He hadn't talked to his best friend in nearly a week and it was killing him.

He could've just been busy too, but he always returns Dean's calls. And usually within twenty four hours. Now Dean was just afraid something had happened.

He'd been thinking about what Castiel said too. A lot. And he knew that he really liked it too. It was so much better than some date with a random girl or guy, or a one night stand or some drunken make-out.

He knew Castiel was right. There was no worrying, no confusion, except that they were best friends. That was a bit more confusing.

But the more he thought about it, the more he got in and out of his car on his way to work and back, he thought about seeing Castiel again. Kissing him again. Dean wanted to. But only if his best friend wasn't too embarrassed by the whole thing.

He called two more times before looking at the door, his keys, and back at the door.

Keys in hand, Dean ran down the steps of his building, leaving to go find his best friend. The friends had already exchanged keys in case of emergency, and if Cas wasn't home, Dean was going to wait to make sure that he was safe.

Soon enough, he was there, knocking on the door.

The brunette's car was home, so chances were very high that he was home.

No answer for a few minutes. That was it, Dean pushed the key into the lock and went into the house.

"Cas?" Dean first called quietly, looking around. "Cas?" He called a bit louder. He checking the living room, kitchen, bathroom, and small laundry room, or lack thereof.

The bedroom was the last place and Dean didn't know what he'd find there.

"Cas?" He nearly whispered, opening the door and seeing his best friend laying in bed, staring at the ceiling.

He tilted his head up, Dean really noticed then how much he needed to shave and he hoped to any and every god that Castiel hadn't been moping around all week.

"Cas..."

"Hello, Dean." The man spoke weakly.

Dean could tell that he's been spending most of his time in his room. He wished for a different answer to his question. "Have you been at home all week? I've been calling."

"I know. And, yes. For the most part." Castiel laughed to himself. "I was feeling shitty when I got home that night." He cleared his throat, "then I was just tired. I didn't want to answer the phone because I was afraid of what you were going to say."

"Cas, didn't you listen to my messages?"

"Some of them."

Dean sighed, "Cas, all I was going to say is that it's fine and that we should talk more about it. I care about you and I'm not gonna let this fuck things up, okay? It's all going to be fine. I promise. I'll do whatever it takes. I'm not losing you, man."

Castiel sat up a little, rubbing his eyes and resting his hand on his bare chest. He nodded slightly, looking down at himself.

"Come on. Let me take you to dinner. We can get things figured out."

"I don't want to." Castiel grumbled.

"Cas, I mean this in the nicest way, but get your stinky ass out of bed and into the shower so I can take you to dinner."

Castiel had to hold back a little laugh, looking at Dean. "Fine." He hummed, crawling out of bed and adjusting his boxers around his waist. Dean watching him, looking him over to see that he was alright.

"I'll go wait in the living room. Don't ditch me out your window." He patted Cas' shoulder and went into the other room.

He didn't pay attention when he was looking earlier, just looking for a warm body, but his best friend's house was _spotless_. And that was not a good thing, especially when the man has been laying around at home all week. Dean knows that Castiel cleans like a maniac when he's honestly upset and that made Dean feel like shit.

They'd talk, they'd figure this out. Because Dean wanted what Castiel wanted and he hoped that was more than enough. He wanted everything to be okay whether they were friends who occasionally kissed, or just a regular pair of best friends.

Then the thought of dating Castiel went through his mind. He wouldn't hate it, it would actually be nice.

He thought about it more as he heard the shower come on, thinking that a whole lot wouldn't change, things would mainly be more physical, romantic feelings would be included. That might feel nice, Dean hummed.

There wouldn't be that awkward first date where no one knew what to talk about, neither party was sure about kissing at the end of the night or where they stood, if they were going to go on a second date or not.

Dean started falling in love with the idea of it all.

Before he knew it, he heard damp footsteps into the bedroom and now he only needed to wait for Castiel to be dressed for dinner.

He contemplated now what he might say, but he wanted to let his best friend speak first.

After a few minutes, Castiel looked a million times better, despite his need to shave, but that could wait. They weren't going anywhere too fancy, probably somewhere quiet and private where they could talk.

"There you are." Dean smiled softly. "I see you've been cleaning."

Castiel frowned and looked at the door. "We should go before the dinner rush."

"Yeah." Dean agreed, giving Castiel his coat and putting his own back on as they left the house.

Nothing was really said in the car except for discussing what to eat. Castiel claimed he wasn't hungry but Dean knew that was a lie.

There was a diner a few blocks from Castiel's house and it was big enough that if they had a booth towards the back, it wouldn't be too loud or too quiet.

The waitress seated them and took their drink orders before leaving them alone for a few minutes.

"So," Dean began. "I just want to start by saying I'm sorry. I feel like I didn't handle... Didn't handle that thing last week very well. I was just a little surprised."

Castiel nodded, leaning back and rubbing the nape of his neck. "It's not your fault. I just feel stupid for saying something because I've- it's dumb. I have like this, this crush on you or something and I hate it."

Dean's heart twisted. "I don't want you to feel bad, Cas. That's the very last thing I want you to feel. You know that you're my best friend and I want you to be happy."

"But I just have to get over this first. I know."

"That's not what I was going to say."

Castiel looked up with that. "Then what?" He asked quietly.

The waitress brought their drinks, making Castiel a little edgy as she took their dinner orders and stalled Dean. She finally left and the brunette asked again, "what?"

The blonde looked at his friend, "well, I- I mean I've- it's almost all I've been thinking about. Right before bed, at work, when I'm eating, I just want you to be okay. And Cas, I really," Dean leaned in, putting his hands across the table a little more to brush his fingertips over Castiel's knuckles. "I really liked kissing you."

The brunette blushed, pink blooming beneath his skin as he felt Dean's touch, pushing his hands into the other man's. "You did?" He asked, looking down at their fingers.

"Yeah. I mean I didn't want it to change anything..." Dean swallowed thickly, eyebrows drawing together. "But maybe it's good. Maybe we could... I dunno, Cas. If you're willing, I'd like to maybe um..." Dean blushed. "Maybe just see what happens. Just- just let things happen and not worry about the line between friendship and anything more."

Castiel felt his breath leave his lungs, nearly in disbelief of if this was in fact happening. It's not like he'd been crushing for so long that it hurt, it just surprised him that maybe he'd get this chance. This chance to let the future take the wheel. "I would like that."

"Good." Dean took a breath, finally making eye contact with those blue eyes he knew so well, laughing a little.

"What?" Castiel felt himself smile for the first time in days.

"I don't know... I kinda like it, not knowing." Dean bit his lip, Castiel smiling and nodding in agreement.

The blonde pulled a hand back to take a drink of his Coke, leaning back further as the waitress brought their food.

Castiel's fingers missed the warmth of another hand, but what he did have, he enjoyed. His heart raced a little when that happened and he felt something else he didn't think he ever has. Just these good, real and strong butterflies in his stomach.

He tried not to stare at Dean while he ate but he couldn't help glancing every minute or so. The brunette wanted to make sure he wasn't going anywhere, wanted to make sure this was real.

And it was.

They ate, Dean paid the check, and they went to the impala.

Dean started the car, "do you want to go anywhere?"

"Just home." Castiel ran his fingers through his hair and Dean nodded.

They were back within a few minutes and Dean killed the engine, settling back for a moment before looking at Castiel.

Dean blinked, stuffing his keys in his coat pocket before leaning over, brushing his lips against the bolt of his best friend's jaw.

The stubble tickled his nose as he felt Castiel's eyes flutter closed.

The blonde let his nose graze over the other man's cheek as he moved to kiss the corner of his lips.

"Dean." Castiel whispered, turning to press their foreheads together, hands glued to the edge of the seat.

"Should we go inside?" Dean breathed, body heating up.

Castiel nodded as his breath picked up and they got out of the car. He smiled at Dean, following him to the door.

They went inside and as soon as the door closed, Castiel grabbed Dean's hand, pulling him closer in the dim light of the evening.

Dean took a breath, moving his arms to rest over the younger man's shoulders. He leant down, pressing their lips together, the other's stubble tickling his chin.

He tilted his head, deepening the kiss as he let his arms move down, resting his hands on Castiel's waist to pull him in.

There were little sounds coming from their kisses as Dean started backing up, moving towards the couch. He hissed as he hit the back of his leg on the coffee table, laughing a little before sitting on the couch.

Castiel sat next to him, reaching to cradle the blonde's face in his hands before kissing him once more.

Dean felt himself getting excited and he wondered if he should stop before things get too far. If that would be for the best. He told himself to just let things happen, just like he talked about with Cas earlier. Of course if things _did_ start to go too far, they'd stop. But for now, he'd relax, let himself have this.

The brunette pulled his own coat off, body warming as things went on. He moved to better face Dean and moved a hand down to his best friend's knee, gripping it lightly.

Dean made a sound at that, grabbing Castiel's hand and moving it up his own leg a little, pressing into the touch. Castiel complied, keeping his hand halfway up Dean's thigh, squeezing a little, rubbing with his thumb.

"Cas..." Dean breathed, letting his lips start to wander over the stubbly edge of the man's jaw, over to the spot behind his ear. He was caught up, drowning in the moment, the feeling of it all. The blonde started leaving wet, open mouthed kisses around the area behind Castiel's ear and down to his neck.

The brunette couldn't help but close his eyes, lean his head back, and grab at the hairs at the nape of Dean's neck. His body started aching for more, started aching for touch and to touch.

Dean could pick up signals pretty well. And not only that, but he wanted to be touched.

Like he read his mind, Castiel shoved at Dean's jacket, forcing it off.

It was hot, Dean was now acutely aware of that fact. Hot in two meanings. The room, or he, had grown quite warm. But this, all of this was just fucking hot and he reveled in it.

The younger man pulled Dean up, crashing their lips together, teeth almost clicking, lips parting, hot and wet.

It was like Castiel was pressing a button, pushing a tongue into Dean's mouth making the blonde go absolutely insane. His breathing picked up and he leaned back, trying to pull Castiel on top of him.

The brunette caught on, moving to straddle one of Dean's thighs, their legs now slotted together. Dean could tell Castiel was pretty much as excited about the event as he was, pushing his hips up involuntarily.

Castiel made a sound that only spurred Dean on, grabbing at the other man's thighs and kissing him harder.

His tongue still working into Dean's mouth, Castiel ran a hand up the back of Dean's head, tugging lightly at his hair and eliciting a small moan.

"Feel so good." Dean mumbled, squeezing his best friend's left thigh.

Castiel hummed back at that, hips dragging forward on Dean's thigh as he groaned.

The two were caught up in each other, against each other, hearts racing and bodies moving.

The brunette started rucking up the bottom of Dean's shirt and while his body absolutely begged him to let the man do that, his upstairs brain came into play. "Cas- Cas, wait..."

Castiel let go, slowing down and pulling back to make eye contact.

"Not tonight." Dean whispered, rubbing his thumb over its place on Castiel's thigh. "If- if we're gonna do this, we-"

"We shouldn't go too fast." He nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Dean smiled at him. "That- yeah." He hummed. "Don't. We just need to figure each other out when- when it comes to this. Okay?"

The brunette made a sound of agreement before Dean leant up to kiss him one more time. He pushed a piece of hair from the other man's forehead, taking a breath. "I don't know what we're doing." He blinked.

Castiel shook his head. "Me either."

"It's okay." Dean mumbled.

The two stared at each other for a few moments, both knowing the other was aroused but trying to ignore the fact.

Dean felt like the earth had shifted, like everything had suddenly changed and this time he knew it was for the better. Something good was happening to him.

Castiel moved off of Dean's leg, sitting right up next to him on the couch and resting his head on the other man's shoulder.

"You should go to bed. I should go home." Dean spoke quietly, voice deep.

"Can you stay?" Castiel asked, blushing. "Do you have work tomorrow?"

"Not until noon. I guess I could stay."

Castiel sat up, looking at Dean.

"Could you get me a blanket?" He started to get comfortable on the couch.

Castiel made a face, "maybe um, I mean the couch is shit. You could sleep in my bed. It's pretty huge."

"I've seen it. You like a lot of room." Dean laughed.

Castiel nodded and looked at Dean, eyes patient and waiting.

"Yeah I'll stay in there." He hummed, getting up a little awkwardly and going to the bathroom to use the spare toothbrush that Cas kept around for him.

He willed his arousal away, looking at himself in the mirror for a minute and seeing how pink his cheeks still were.

He hoped Castiel would be okay if he just slept in his t shirt and boxers. He could always borrow a pair of pajama pants if he needed to.

But that's how each of them ended up sleeping, t shirt, boxers, faced away from each other in the large bed.


	13. Chapter 13

Bozeman, Montana. June 4th, 2002.

Castiel slowly woke up to his alarm, tired and sleepy as he pressed the snooze button.

Both he and Dean were laid on their stomachs, close. Dean had an arm wrapped around Castiel's back and a leg bent up over one of his.

The brunette rolled over, facing Dean and blushing. The blonde had taken off his shirt in the middle of the night and the expanse of soft freckles was gorgeous.

"Dean." Castiel rubbed the man's arm lightly.

His eyes opened to reveal candy apple green irises, sparkling in the light of the morning. He looked over the other man's face, breathing softly and turning towards his best friend, the fronts of their bodies pressed against each other.

Dean will admit, when he found someone he enjoyed being with, he became a total sap.

He let his fingers move under Castiel's shirt, brushing them up and down his spine.

The two moved closer, the brunette closing the gap for their lips to meet. The morning breath wasn't too bad, not bad enough to keep them from kissing, anyways.

Dean just looked at Castiel for a few minutes after the kiss, taking it all in, thinking.

He moved his hand down to the swell of the other man's ass, holding him close and kissing him again. This kiss was deeper, yet softer.

Dean let his lips linger and wander over Castiel's jaw, cheek, up over his nose and cheek bones, planting little kisses. He wrapped a leg around the man's hips, making Castiel gasp quietly.

He ran his hand up Dean's chest, feeling, touching, rubbing his thumb over one of the man's nipples as he went for another kiss.

Dean moaned quietly at the touch, hips rocking forward as he sucked on Castiel's bottom lip for a moment, their kisses getting sloppier.

Dean rolled his hips again, moaning as he felt Castiel's member half hard against his own.

The quiet of the morning started to fade, sheets moving and small sounds leaving his mouth as Dean rolled on top of his best friend, straddling him. He leaned down to kiss the brunette's neck, trying to pull his shirt up, finally getting it off.

Their chests were bare against each other, Castiel's skin tingling with every movement. His heart was racing and he moved his hands to grip Dean's ass, pulling his hips down to push against his own further.

Heavy breaths and fiery touches increased, Dean starting a slow grind against the other man. The two moaned together, Dean's more whiny than Castiel's.

The blonde could tell he was making a wet spot in his boxers but at this point it was difficult to care about that. Too much to think about when he had Cas this close, so... "You're beautiful." Dean whispered.

A blush rose over Castiel's cheeks before he pulled Dean down for another kiss, holding him there and bucking his hips. He gasped at the feeling, their hardnesses sliding together again through the cloth.

"Please-" Dean barely breathed the word, burying his face in his best friend's neck and licking a spot on his collarbone.

Castiel couldn't hold in the small growl that left his lips as he grabbed Dean's hips and rutted their crotches together, headboard starting to hit the wall with each thrust.

The blonde moaned out Castiel's name, gripping his chest and moving his body down for more. He could feel himself getting closer and closer, body aching for release. He plead once more before the other man slowed down and made his movements rougher, harder.

Castiel was already sweating beneath Dean, trying to catch his breath as he approached the edge. The friction was too good for him to handle as Dean's muscles started to tense up. He breathed harder and shorter breaths, whines escaping him that made him blush.

"Cas- Cas-" Dean _whimpered_. And that was all Castiel needed, rolling them over and grinding down against his best friend.

The blonde came in his underwear, cock twitching as he felt the other man release just after him. Castiel was a moaning mess, mouth hot and open against Dean's jaw.

The older man's arms were spread out above him like he'd just fallen onto the bed. His brows were drawn together as small sounds left his lips, riding out his orgasm.

Castiel didn't stop moving until both of them were sated and sensitive, lips moving with Dean's again.

Almost twenty minutes went by, their bodies resting together as they caught their breath and came down.

Dean looked at Castiel, bright green numbers on the clock just behind the brunette's head catching his attention. "I should go." He whispered.

Castiel nodded. "Yeah... You can borrow clothes if you want. At least until you get home." He responded quietly.

Dean smiled, leaning over to kiss Castiel's forehead before he got up.

He was dressed and ready in ten minutes, his best friend having at least changed his boxers and grabbing a cup of coffee before they said goodbye to each other.

Dean went home, smiling softly and thinking about the quiet pleasures of the morning.

He showered and changed, going into work for a six hour shift with only Castiel on his mind.

****

Big Timber, Montana. June 7th, 2002.

Dean paced back and forth in his living room, having done it for long enough he was afraid he'd wear out the carpet. He hadn't talked to Castiel since the morning three days before, the amazing, beautiful morning.

He'd do it. He was gonna do it. Dean picked up the phone, dialing his best friend's phone number.

"Hello, Dean." Castiel smiled, having been waiting to hear from him.

"Hey, Cas." Dean blushed at the sound of his voice. It was kind of raspy, he'd guessed he'd only woken up a few minutes ago, seeing as it was only 9am.

"What's up?"

"Well, I uh- not a lot. I was thinking that maybe, maybe if we're gonna do this, you know... I'd like to take you on a real date or something." Dean shrugged.

"That would be delightful." Castiel bit his lip, shifting on the couch a little.

"Great. Um, how about we meet at the bar between our places? It's um- shit, what's it called?"

Castiel chuckled, "the one at the hotel. I know what you're talking about."

"Yeah. Um, tonight at like seven? Is that good for you?" Dean smiled.

Castiel thought for a second, he was only working until five so that would give him plenty of time to get ready. "Perfect. I'll see you tonight, Dean."

"See ya, Cas." Dean waited until he hung up to make a happy sound.

He worked until three, needing to leave the house soon. He had plans for the night and he hoped to God that they would work out.

****

It was 6:30 and Dean had just left his place, expecting to get there on time if not a couple minutes early.

He walked into the bar, spotting his best friend sipping the end of a small glass of water. Castiel didn't see him and that was Dean's chance.

He snuck up, finally reaching the bar and putting on his award winning smirk. "Hey, handsome. Can I buy you a drink?"

Castiel looked up, about to say he was waiting for someone when he realized that's who he was waiting for.

Dean gave him a wink as if to say to play along.

The brunette nodded, "I don't see why not. My name's Castiel. But you can call me Cas."

Dean grinned, "well hello there, Cas. I'm Dean. Nice to meet you." He put out a hand, Castiel reaching to shake it.

"Likewise." He replied.

Dean sat down, looking over at the brunette happily. "So what's a guy like you doing alone on a Friday night?"

"Well, I had a date, but you seem very interesting." Castiel giggled, sipping off the drink that Dean had just ordered him.

"Glad I found you." The blonde bit his lip, looking Castiel over and realizing how great that outfit looked on him. New clothes? Maybe.

"So am I." Castiel leaned in a little closer, smirk widening.

The two had a couple drinks, not enough to get them more than a little buzzed, especially since they ate some appetizers between.

Castiel asked Dean back to his place, them taking their separate cars to the small house.

Dean followed closely behind the brunette up to the door, holding his waist with one hand and leaning down for a kiss.

The sun had just gone, the light dim with those of low powered streetlights.

Castiel deepened the kiss, tilting his head and forgetting about the keys in his hand for a moment. The other broke the kiss, "should we go inside?"

The younger man nodded and smiled, unlocking the door and going inside, free hand tangled with Dean's.

As coats and shoes came off, they chased each other's lips, grabbing at hips and shirts greedily.

The noises filling the room were those between giggles and moans, both of them smiling like idiots. As their kisses got deeper, their smiles only faded because they were ruining the making out. Castiel held Dean's hips, walking him back towards the wall until the blonde huffed, back hitting the surface.

The brunette growled quietly, kissing over the other man's jaw and down his neck before pushing his shirt up. Castiel leaned down, licking at exposed skin and then each nipple.

Dean tangled his hands in that dark brown hair, biting his lip to hold back a sound. He wouldn't admit it, but anything being done to his nipples, and being handled the way Cas was handling him, he was a slut for it.

Castiel wasn't completely dominating, but he was taking charge while being caring. Dean loved that about him.

"Cas-" the blonde gasped, tilting his head back when the brunette had dropped to his knees and started working at his buckle.

Dean forced himself to look down, to watch his best friend do this because how could he not?

His heart raced, hand tightening in the shadowy colored hair. The younger man looked up with bright eyes while he pulled down the denim to pool around his ankles.

The bulge in Dean's boxers said it all, he couldn't get enough of it.

Castiel was now acutely aware of the fact that he'd never done anything with a guy before, while he knew what _he_ liked, he had no clue what someone else might. Probably the same types of things.

His blue eyes stared into Dean's green ones, reaching up shyly to wrap his hand around the tent in Dean's underwear.

The blonde pushed his hips forward, letting out a little whine as he watched Castiel.

The brunette licked at the fabric, mouthing around Dean's cock and grinning when he got a deep moan in response. He kept going, tugging the other man's waistband down until his cock sprang up out of them, flush and leaking at the tip.

"Fuck." Dean let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in, the relief of some pressure giving him a tingly feeling.

Castiel opened his mouth, dragging his tongue up the underside of Dean's hardness and the blonde swore he could feel _every tastebud_.

He gasped, the wet feeling making him buck his hips and screw his eyes shut. "Cas-" he moaned.

The only encouraged the younger man further, licking around the head and humming at the taste. It was better than he thought it would be, not sweet, but not extremely bitter either. He sucked the tip into his mouth, moaning now at the softness of it.

Dean made a squeak, everything currently moving faster in his mind than in reality.

Castiel pulled off, licking around the sides before pulling Dean's bottoms off all the way and standing up.

Dean kissed the man, moaning at the taste of himself before pulling Cas' shirt off and then his own, which left him completely naked and his best friend wearing one too many pairs of pants.

The brunette grabbed Dean's hand and pulled him to the bedroom, sitting on the end of the bed.

The older man now got on his knees between Cas' legs and undid his pants, pulling the rest of his clothing off at once.

Dean had felt it the few mornings before, but seeing the size of Castiel's cock made him blush bright red.

The brunette spread his legs slightly, leaning down to capture Dean's lips with his own. They both made little sounds before Dean pushed Cas' thighs apart before grabbing his hips and leaning forward to wrap his lips around the man's hardness.

He groaned long and low which nearly drove Castiel up the wall with how good it felt. He gasped and tugged on Dean's hair, causing another moan which made the brunette whimper again.

"Tell me if you want me to stop." Dean pulled off and licked his lips, moving to kiss over the younger man's balls and the creases of his thighs.

The blonde moved his hands up to guide Castiel to lay down. Once he had, he kept pushing the man's legs apart until he could see his pink, puckered hole.

Dean whined at the sight, gripping the other man's flesh before licking his way towards the middle of his thighs.

Castiel arched his back, hands twisting the sheets as he made breathy noises. "Dean..." He gasped when he felt the man's tongue near his hole.

The touch was foreign when Dean pressed his tongue to the other man's hole, but more than pleasurable for Castiel.

He spread his legs, feeling his hole quiver against the blonde's mouth. He pushed down, again, the feeling sort of odd but he loved it.

Dean pushed his tongue past the ring of muscle, making Castiel's cock twitch and start to leak against his stomach.

He leaned back, "so good for me, Cas. So pretty."

The brunette moaned at the praise, pulling Dean up by his hair. He wanted a kiss but Dean couldn't be pulled up without laying a couple licks on Cas' hardness.

They kissed roughly, the older man moving to straddle the younger one. He rolled his hips, hot flesh rubbing so slick it made him gasp.

Castiel starting rolling his hips in a rhythm, reaching down with a hand to stroke their members against one another, causing both men to moan lewdly.

" _Cas_..." Dean whined, pushing himself down harder, wanting more friction.

"So fuckin' good." Castiel nipped at Dean's jaw, rolling them over in the bed and thrusting down against him.

"Cas- want- want you to fuck me." Dean stuttered after a moment, cheeks red and chest heaving.

The brunette nodded with a growl, looking him over.

"Lube..." Dean whispered, blushing deepening.

"Condom too?"

"I'm clean."

Castiel nodded. "Me too." He smiled and kissed Dean again before getting up briefly to get the lubricant. He settled back between Dean's legs, nervous but focused.

Dean dropped his legs open, thrusting up into the air and reaching to brush his fingers over the other man's knee.

Castiel's nerve endings were on fire and looking down at Dean all spread out for him was only making him more turned on. The begging... Don't get him started on the begging.

"Please touch me, Cas."

The brunette bit back a sound, putting lube into his hand before warming it on his fingers. He brought it to Dean's hole before wiggling part of his first finger inside.

Dean squirmed slightly, his own fingers trailing around a nipple as he watched. The other man slid his finger inside, starting to thrust gently as he watched the blonde's face to gauge his reaction.

His face was pure bliss as he felt his best friend's fingers working at his hole. "More," he gasped, arching his hips slightly for more friction. "Please."

Castiel leaned down to wrap his lips around Dean's nipple, pushing a second finger into him and wetting him enough that he could spread his fingers a little bit as he moved them.

He curled them, assuming how he'd experimented with himself and liked, Dean would like too, and his whimper proved that he did. "Cas, need you."

Castiel nodded, pulling his fingers out and using the extra lube to wet himself, pressing the head of his dick to Dean's hole.

"Fuck." Cas breathed, pressing his forehead to Dean's collarbone as he started to push inside.

Dean's hole was tight and Castiel was good sized, both men grasping at each other and the sheets until Cas was fully seated inside of Dean.

He leaned up, pressing his forehead to the other's and staring into green eyes as he starting his movements back and forth.

"Fucking good." Castiel moaned, gasping as he pushed back into the other man.

Dean wrapped his legs around Castiel's waist and hip, silently begging for more.

Castiel pulled back enough to look Dean over, the hand that wasn't supporting him finding some of his best friend's old scars. He brushed his fingers over them, profoundly happy that Dean had made it through all of the hard times and he was still plugging away.

The brunette leaned up to kiss the other man's lips before letting his mouth wander to the biggest scar on the front of Dean's shoulder. He pressed his lips there, whispering. "You're so amazing."

Another kiss to each added mark made Dean blush as Castiel praised him. "Beautiful... Kind... Perfect." Dean whined at the last word, body pushing up against Castiel's.

Dean reached to cradle the other's face, pulling him in for a sweet kiss which made Castiel's hips stutter. The fire and spark that went through him only encouraged his body.

He knew what he felt for Dean, he was sure of it.

Thrusts gaining speed and hearts racing faster, the two were dangerously close to the edge. Dean tugged at Castiel's hair, nails scraping down his back while sloppy kisses were exchanged between moans.

Dean gasped, feeling himself at the precipice. "Love you, Cas. Fuckin-"

Castiel's breath stuttered as Dean cried out and orgasmed beneath him. He could feel the man's hole tightening and clenching around his sensitive cock.

He didn't know what to say, already speechless as he pressed his lips to Dean's forehead and released inside of him. He whined out the man's name, hips bucking out of rhythm and sweet nothings falling from his lips.

The two slowed together, bodies tired and glistening in the soft light of the room.

They had parted and Dean had his head rested against Castiel's shoulder as they laid there, tangled with each other.

They exchanged lazy kisses and quiet words, Castiel brushing his fingers through his best friend's hair until they both fell asleep.

****

Bozeman, Montana. June 8th, 2002.

Dean woke up to an empty bed, eyelids heavy as he sat up. The clock said 7am but he felt more well rested than he should in that case.

The room was still messy but Dean didn't care, crawling out of bed and avoiding stepping on anything that he shouldn't.

The boxers he wore last night were still in the hall and he snuck out of the room to pull them on, unsure.

He padded to the bathroom, using it before returning to the hall and turning his head when he heard silverware clinking in the kitchen.

He walked in, Castiel fully dressed and looking like he had to go somewhere. He'd forgotten that his best friend had to cover for a co-worker for a couple hours that Saturday morning.

The brunette smiled and walked over, pulling Dean in for a sweet kiss that became deep within seconds.

He offered coffee, sipping at his own in his travel mug. With a free hand he held Dean's leading him to the door.

The older man sipped at his hot drink, following the brunette to the door before he opened it.

Dean doesn't think he'll forget the words the Castiel said to him before he left.

With a kiss, he smiled. "Make yourself at home."

  
_~the end~_


End file.
